Emotional

There is this Whitney Houston song playing in my head all afternoon..., the lyrics "... I get so emotional baby, every time I think of youuuhuuuu..." going through my head. It strangely feels like a soundtrack though I don't know the lyrics at all except for that part I mentioned which keeps repeating in my head... like those annoying songs from time to time that simply stuck in your head without obvious reason... Does this happen to you as well, that you feel much more emotional on one day than the other? I can't think of any specific reason why I am like this today... but I am. The slightest thing touches me and I almost feel like crying aobut little things that I hear when we talked. Today is such a day that I physically miss you a lot, to hug and feel that very special and dear friend, to feel some warmth. I feel like I soak up every little piece of love, warmth, appreciation like a dry sponge. Usually it's not "thaaaat bad"... I can keep up my mood pretty well I think. But obviously there are days for whatever reason that I'm less perfect. Like today. Sure, I have my hubby and we are doing very well. Yet, there are things I miss. There's a deep desire for warmth, ..., love and all kinds of other attention, like nice words. For example, I wish I'd one day hear words of being desired too, like you speak of others. Not necessarily from you but to experience such a sensation of being desired. I sometimes get a hint of that on flickr but it does not feel real and is far away. But I think a lot about such things, wondering how certain things I never experienced in my life could be. I can't remember ever being desired by someone, physically. With passion. Not that you can do anything about it. But you know me and what I talk about. Sometimes I think I travelled my life in one big circle and somehow feel I haven't moved forward one single step since the end of 2007 in certain ways. Of course there have been positive changes for me, luckily. But other things haven't changed and I wonder if they ever will? Can you still change certain things at my age? Can you make up for things of which you think you missed them? Did I really miss them, anyway? Is it enough for me to soak up your stories about such things, to hear your "wild" stories and think of my "possibly missed opportunities"? I am thankful for having my hubby by my side. I need him and he is important. But as great as he is he can't change my shortcomings.

...and still all I hear is that "...I get so emotional baby..."

Here, have a million dollars.

"You have to give away a million dollars."

Wow. That's easily answered you would think, right? Well, at least I thought so in the first instance. But then, when I started to think about the details I couldn't exactly figure it out. Of course you start thinking "I have to give to charity". After all, people look at you and your answer and most probably expect that. But then it get's difficult: what charity? But then again, what do I care about others? It's my money supposedly and I can decide what I do with it.

Suppose there are no restrictions in how I give away the money:

What I knew right away was that I would split the amount: Of course I would give some of it to my parents. Then another part would go to my friend Katja. Many years ago I made a deal with her: should I ever win the lottery I would give her part of that. I made the same promise to my lilbro, he would get a significant (bigger than Katja's) amount as well. I would also make sure a small part would go to my ex Klaus, he is a great guy but always short of money. For him a monthly transfer of a certain amount over a longer period would be nice. Then, of course I would make sure there is a big amount for my hubby. I would want him to have a financial safety net. A little is left now for charity. I don't exactly know what charity it would be but I think I would like it to be some gay project. I would have to investigate what kind of gay projects I would consider worthy receiving some money. So I wouldn't save the planet, environment, kids or animals with it. No, it should be something to help other gays.

So, here's how I would split it up:
Mom and Dad 200000
Katja 100000
Lilbro 200000
my ex 100000
my hubby 300000
charity 100000

Well, it's definitely not spectacular but I like the idea that I could give some money to my loved ones. They are dear to me. I could see the money go to a good cause and not disappear in an anonymous giant charity organization.

Suppose this split up of the money and giving it to family/friends would not be allowed:

I can see this alternative: I would set up a trust that gets the full amount. The members of the trust who decide what charity receives money from it would be (guess who) my mom and Dad, Katja, lilbro, Klaus and Jelle.

So this would be my million dollar spree. How would your's look like?

Unforgettable visit

My very special birthday cake, candles blown out already after I made a wish

So on Friday was my birthday and as I had said before I would go to London to celebrate it!

To summarize it shortly: it was the best birthday I've had. After we all had arrived in London and checked in at our hotel I was in for a big surprise: Dani, Jelle and Sera had organized a birthday cake for me and they entered the room with it, singing "Happy Birthday" to me! Now that I think of it it does bring tears of happiness to my eyes... it was really so beautiful, at that moment I felt the luckiest person in the world! Thinking back of it, I am happy again! I was there, with my hubby and my most beloved friends celebrating my birthday for the first time in many years. Since a long time I did not bother to celebrate this day. I accepted that my parents would congratulate me but I never felt like celebrating it with somebody. But this year was different: some things in my life have changed and therefore I also wanted to celebrate my birthday again. I opted to make it special and asked Dani and Sera if they would come with me to London to see Mamma Mia together! When they said "YES!" that was the biggest and most beautiful gift for my birthday already! I was so happy that I had the chance of celebrating this (non special 42nd) birthday with them and my hubby Jelle.

The same night we had a very nice meal in an asian restaurant (and my chopstick capabilities are terrible... how am I gonna survive a vacation in Japan...?) and after returning to our hotel we took a piece of my birthday cake for dessert ;-)

Jelle, Dani, Sera and me

The next day, Sera's good friend Marisa joined us and we strolled leisurely through London, did some shopping, met my flickr friend Bernie finally for the first time which was really great fun! He is as nice in real life as he is on flickr and I am really happy I have had the chance to finally meet and see him "live". 

Me and Bernie

Later on we also met Dani's friends Leo and Matt. And then, in the evening, we went to see the musical of Mamma Mia! I had seen the dutch version of the musical some years ago and did like that a lot. But I was very eager to see the original language version here in London and I must say it was really great!!! The performance was fantastic, the live orchestra and the cast performed so stunning well, it was pure pleasure to see them play and hear them sing! 

Sera, Marisa, me, Jelle and in the front Dani (photo taken by Leo).

Dani and I were constantly singing along and in the end when they start playing the full song of Dancing Queen for everybody to sing along there was no stopping us anymore. It gave me shivers of joy and excitement to sing out loud and together with my beloved lilbro the song which is one of my all time favorites! That was soooo much fun, I was happy, really really happy!

Jelle, Dani and Marisa

On Sunday we visited Camden Market which I enjoyed a lot. It is so diverse, I saw lots of funny t-shirts (though I didn't buy any) and we had some fabulous food in one of the food stalls there. We then made our way down to the Thames to have a look at the London Eye and that concluded our activities in London for our short but oh so worthwhile visit! We had to go back to the airport where we both caught our planes back to Amsterdam and Madrid, sadly, both were delayed (thanks a lot, Easyjet). 

Once again, this was a memorable, very special incredible weekend for me and I want to thank Jelle, Dani and Sera for making it so wonderful. It was awesome guys, thanks a lot to you. Many kisses to you and lots of hugs. I can't thank you enough for making me so happy and spoiling me so much. From now on, my birthdays will never be the same again... 

Ciao - a movie.

Today I came across a trailer of a gay movie that fascinated me the moment I read the story. I can't wait to see it. Here's the synopsis from the official site of the movie:

A man dies very unexpectedly and leaves behind two men: Jeff, his best friend, and Andrea, an Italian he’s been corresponding with online. Jeff informs Andrea of Mark’s passing; Andrea writes back to express his shock and sympathies. On a whim, they continue their correspondence and a rapport grows between them. They eventually meet, where they extend their e-mail exchanges into more personal and intimate conversations. They talk about their respective countries, their jobs, their families, their lives. Mostly, they talk about Mark. What began as a tragedy that linked two strangers from different ends of the world becomes a deeply realized friendship that may change their lives forever. 

There is a group on facebook about the movie: CIAO movie | Facebook

and an official movie site: http://www.ciaomovie.com

Have a brilliant weekend everyone, hugs.

Herzlichen Glückwunsch zum Geburtstag, Mama!

 

Herzlichen Glückwunsch zum Geburtstag, Mama!

Today, my beloved mom celebrates her birthday and so I went to Cologne for the occasion to give her my birthday kisses personally. ;-) She was very happy and also my dad was very happy to see me. Mama prepared some simple but oh so tasty lunch and in the morning after my arrival I enjoyed a delicious breakfast with some typical german things I like for breakfast. 

Then, way too early I already had to leave again to go back to Amsterdam. I was only one day off which I had specially requested due to her birthday so I could only go there in the morning and come back the same day. But it felt good to see them again. They were very sweet to me, I enjoyed seeing them, talking to them and it made me really happy to see that my mom was so happy with my visit!

 

In the afternoon, Mama and Papa drove me back to the airport and before I had to go through the security control we had a last espresso and that's where I took these pictures. 

I hope there will be a chance soon for them to come over to Amsterdam or else for another visit of me to Cologne.

Updated, pictures included! Going to Madrid: 28 Cumpleaños Dani

Korean Air Airbus 330
Originally uploaded by CruisAir

Today, I want to give a short trip report about my trip to Dani's birthday.

On Friday, after a very short night because I simply stayed up too long (say, til' around 1.00am...) and after my early shift that started at 05.00 in the morning I was able to catch a plane to Madrid.
As you know, I like airlines and planes and if possible I try to fly as much as possible on different airlines and aircraft and different routes... (and you thought YOU were strange, huh?...).

Anyway, coincidentally, this trip was special: first, it was my 700th flight ever! The honour for taking me safely to my destination goes to Korean Air. I took their flight KE925 which started in Seoul and made a stop in Amsterdam on its way to Madrid. It was a nice and pleasant flight. I was a bit disappointed though that I did not have personal inflight entertainment which I had expected on a long haul aircraft. The catering though was pretty good, a warm (!) meal was served for the two hour flight which was a bit delayed (because the aircraft already left Seoul too late). All in all, I would rate the flight (despite the warm meal) behind the recent LAN Chile flight from Madrid to Frankfurt.

The second reason why this trip was special was THE reason to go anyway: my beloved little brother would turn 28 on that weekend and it meant a lot to me to be there with him and to celebrate. As I said before, Dani is very important in my life for a trillion of reasons. Therefore it was a true highlight to be there and personally congratulate him.

When I arrived on Friday, I "amused" Dani a lot: I guess he thought I was retarded because I couldn't find where he was waiting for me but I swear, the signage at Madrid's T1 is terrible and will lead you anywhere but your destination! My god, it took many calls to him to get directions before blond me finally found him patiently waiting outside... did I mention that I even sent him to T4 in the first place, assuming my plane would arrive there...? And did I mention I told him I would arrive after only a one hour flight...? My god, it must have been my sleep shortage that day... and I even work for an airline but all I did and said that day was simply, ehm....retarded :-D

Dani, Sera and I went to a gigantic mall on Friday evening. They invited me for dinner (I'm never allowed to pay, I seriously have to talk with you guys about that!) at a very good asian buffet restaurant where we had a great dinner with lots and lots of food!

Saturday, Dani and I did some shopping for the evening when some friends would come to join the celebration. Dani prepared a quiche in the afternoon (another of his "famous" recipes) which was really good! We made sandwiches and cheese/ham/tomato sticks and had the usual party ingredients like chips, nuts and that kinda stuff.

In the evening, his guests arrived and it was truly a really nice night! We laughed and talked a lot and I was simply very happy to be there when it turned 12:00 and my lilbro turned 28!

Dani got some really nice presents and I think he loved them all. It made me soooo happy to see him happy too!

Me and Dani wearing one of his presents he received

After opening all his presents and even more laughs and talks we went to a totally packed Irish pub close by for a final beer and we all went home after that. It really was a great birthday celebration, I loved it!

On sunday, after we slept long we had lunch with his friends

Jose and Miguel 

and his mom at a very good chinese restaurant! After that, Dani and Sera met some friends to go to a theater show while I met with Alex to have a drink which was very nice. After it, we met again and went home to conclude another wonderful evening at Dani's cosy home!

I had a great time, it was awesome, sensational, brilliant and simply fun to join Dani for the first time on his birthday and I guess I can call myself a really happy man to have a friend like him! Thank you, my beloved little brother, for the wonderful time again and being the friend to me that you are! I am so lucky, so happy, so blessed.

Feliz cumpleaños, Dani!

Today, my beloved Dani, the man who during time became my best friend and who I dearly love, for being the "little brother" I never had but always wanted, for being the true friend one always desires to have, turns 28:

Feliz cumpleaños, querido Dani

With all my heart dear lilbro I and also Jelle wish you all the best for your birthday and the new year in your life. I hope it will bring lots of beautiful things to happen in your life. May your love to Sera blossom as never before, may you always be healthy, may all the dreams and hopes you have come true - if I can be of help of any kind you can count on me, always. The greatest gift I can give to you is already with you since long. It's getting bigger, more precious and unique with every day. What more can I add, except for my extra special and sweet birthday kisses and the most tender hugs your bigbro can give you.

If you can, you should do it.

One of these days I received a mail from my friend Stewart. I was so much impressed by the video it linked to that I decided to rather make a post than to email it to only a few other friends.

It's a story of a father and a son. The story is about integration, it is about love, it is about abilities, it is about endurance, it is about strength, it is about believing, it is about so many things that you would never imagine this inspiration comes from them at first sight.

I would like to share this video here with you.



If you want to know more about Rick and Dick, you can read a little about their story here or go to their website Team Hoyt to learn all about them. 

It is true, in so many ways: if you can, you should do it.

A hug.

A child of love.

Since a few days my parents tried to reach me. I had not called them since three weeks which honestly I did not realize. I am working fulltime, I have my own life and time flies when you're... well busy ;-) Anyway, to make a long story short... yesterday evening on my way home I called home and chatted for 45 minutes to my mom (god, I hope the cellphone costs aren't too bad to Germany from Holland...). I explained some things to her, mentioned that she had tried to call me during my spanish lesson when I could not respond, spoke about my search for new friends, told her I found the best friend I can imagine in my lilbro Dani and also about my doubts about myself and my constant need for confirmation of being loveable, being loved, being a friend...etc etc... a constant push up of my low self esteem to which she suddenly and totally unexpected by me replied and kind of joked that since I was a child of my loveable father and my loveable mother I was a loveable child of them! Which I thought was very cute of her to say and her way of trying to cheer me up. I was very happy about that! We talked a bit more and finally, to surprise me even more, out of nothing she said I should not worry, I was a child of love and not an accident. ;-) Something I cannot remember they ever told me but it made me really happy to hear. Not that I worried about that but the fact she said it and the way she did made me happy. I love my parents and now I even know I'm their child of love.

Maybe I'm not that bad...

Okay, here is my follow up to yesterday's post about myself: maybe I'm not that bad, after all... But hey, I was really overwhelmed at that moment and just couldn't handle all those emotions at the same time. So I felt very bad and useless. I know I'm not. I try to be a god son to my parents. But not calling them at the time they want does not make me a bad son, does it? ;-) I live my own life, I have my very own little problems and not sharing all of them with my parents again does not make me a bad son, or does it? ;-)
I decided not to share all things that bother me with them because it won't help me and doesn't make them happier. That doesn't mean I don't trust them or I exclude them from my life, it's just that I decided to live my own life and share only the things that they truly need to know.
I can still be a good son even if I only call after three weeks. I am interested in what happens to them. But I have my problems and have to deal with them as well, besides I am working full time. Yet, I want to live my life the way I want it - and I will do just that. But I will try in future to be a bit more considerate.  I also want to be more in touch with them as I feel I now still have the chance before it's too late and I am without them. That is something I try to avoid thinking of as it makes me deeply sad. I do love my parents, from the bottom of my heart. So, maybe I'm not that bad...

Little inadequacies

It's strange, the other day I noticed something of my personality that is kind of a contradiction. The ones reading here and having 'friend' status on flickr know that I sometimes post some photos of myself that are quite revealing. I somehow like to do that and through the "protection" of the internet (feeling anonymous, more or less) I feel secure enough to do it. I don't feel embarrassed or something. I am in control to what I post, who can see it and for how long. It's also kind of a way for me to getting used to myself and being seen by others and getting more confidence in that. But then - and that's the contradiction - I was in Madrid, visiting Dani. During the gay pride parade I took this photo of Dani and his bigbro Juan Carlos and afterwards Dani took my camera and asked me to take of my shirt too but I was much too afraid and embarrassed to do that among all those people, I felt extremely insecure at that moment and maybe even frightened. On the other hand, I regretted immediately afterwards that I never got to know the picture Dani wanted to take. What a pity.

Little inadequacies...

When we strolled through the Chueca district on one of those fine days my beloved Dani was so kind to buy me some little presents. Just a little something but still so precious to me! But I didn't show it, I didn't even thank him enough! I kind of took it for granted and it's not! It was such a lovely gesture and simply wonderful. And honestly, I feel awful I never show him how much I care for him and all the little things he does nor did I really thank him for the presents he gave me. I realized that when I saw how his bigbro Juan Carlos reacted towards him when he received a little present as well. That was so full of gratitude and love and I admired both for that. In my heart, I did the same. It's just my actions that did not match my feelings. The same happened yesterday, my friend Katja had brought a little present. A bottle of our favorite liqeur which you can only get at the Lufthansa crew shop in Frankfurt. She made the extra effort to go there especially for us. And she even remembered we like it! And though I was very happy to receive it and thanked her for it, in retrospect I think I could have shown more gratitude towards her.

Little inadequacies...

I am trying to change this. I want to show how happy I am about receiving something from my loved ones. Whether it's a postcard, a button, a cd or whatever one decides to present to me. It doesn't really matter what it is, it's simply the thought, the gesture that counts the most and which shows how much my friends and family care about and love me. To know that is what matters most to me. I will try in future to show my gratitude towards you, my beloved friends and family, more open and with more affection. I think it can't be bad to show more of my emotions, I am still much too afraid to hug and kiss you, to even only touch you. I can do it with words but not with my hands or lips. I will work on that.

Little inadequacies...

An achievement for everybody's freedom.

I like what I just read in another blog post about a commentary that Spain's prime minister gave on the issue of gay marriage now allowed in California: 'It's an achievement for everybody's freedom, not just a part of society'. I fully agree with that and admire the spanish in general for already having achieved a lot and much more than other countries when it comes to gay rights - and naturally I applaud the Californians to move along in the same direction.

On a personal side note here's a link to read about Jelle's and my friends Daniel and David who tried to make use of their new rights... only that they 'forgot' that they are already married in Canada. To me - and I think most europeans - it only seems 'natural' that once you're married somewhere you simply can't do it again somewhere else... ;-)

It's a strange feeling.

This is something new for me. 

Since a few months Jelle and I had decided to open our relationship. We both felt not happy and thought one of the things we can try to become happy again in our relation is to open it up. So we can both experiment and enjoy other sexual encounters. Not that this is the most important thing in a relationship, but it sure is part of it.

In all those months I only made use of my sexual freedom only once, more or less. There haven't been tons of mens hushing through my bed... I still wonder if that's something I miss? I never have been the 'one-night-stand' guy though I had them before but it never really fulfilled me or really deeply satisfied me. In my former relationship with Klaus it became one of the things that made me part from him, the fact that he who was older had much more sexual experiences than I had (but it wasn't the main reason). I felt and actually I still do feel very unexperienced. I caught up a little on my sexual experience after the relation with Klaus but it wasn't much that happened, especially compared to others. I do remember my friend Lutz who kept records of all the men he slept with (which I thought was so weird...) and while I was kind of disgusted I was at the same time fascinated. I am just as fascinated about someone I feel very close to who is about thirteen years younger yet it feels to me he is so much more experienced. Again, I do wonder if that is part of what I miss, what I look for, what I want? Should I really try to catch up with him, Lutz and others? Do I become happier then? Does it make me more satisfied, will I become more relaxed? I still wonder if it is possible to have a what someone called 'concubear' in a recent discussion I had with some people. Meaning to have a friend with whom you also can have intimacy besides your 'normal' relationship. While my lilbro thinks it's not possible, it's either a friend or sex partner but not both plus a relation, the others I discussed this with said they had such a thing and claimed it works. I still think about it a lot and really wonder if it can work, work for me? 

But what strikes me the most today is what happened yesterday: Jelle went to see the soccer match of the dutch team (they lost, by the way), together with Timo. I stayed at home, I am not into soccer though I had the tv on in the background to stay updated of how it would go. After the match finished I decided to watch Desperate Housewives. I found that our cable provider is offering the first season for free watching so I started from scratch and looked the first three episodes. When I finally went to bed, it was almost 03.00 am. But Jelle had not come home yet. I normally never go to bed when he hasn't come home, I'm always a bit worried. But I did yesterday, I actually expected him to come home soon and thought I would probably hear him. But it felt strange. I fell asleep immediately and when I woke up again it was 09.00 am this morning. I turned and noticed no one was in my bed next to me. That was strange! I got up and went looking in the living room, but no one there. Even more strange! Jelle regularly falls asleep in his chair in front of the tv but not this time, he didn't come home last night obviously. It felt weird and it's an experience I never had before, especially because he hadn't even informed me about it. So I checked my mobile and sure enough it wasn't connected to the network. After I fixed that I received an SMS - from Jelle from last night. He said that it had become late and he would sleep at Timo's! Again, I thought it strange as that's not typical for Jelle and second he could have taken a night bus to get home.

So, this is some new emotion for me, something I haven't experienced so far. I am not jealous but I still wonder what has happened last night. Well, maybe I am a bit jealous, yeah. But it feels really weird, it's now almost 12.30pm and I still haven't heard anything. I of course have been away several times now but then Jelle knew I would be away and with whom and for how long. He even knew there was no sexual thing happening. But so far I have never stayed away from home without telling beforehand. As I said, it feels very strange. I am curious to hear the story, what happened, what they did... So I guess that 'open relationship' thing is not that easy, not as simple as it seems, huh? Well, I keep on learning, keep on trying to be open. But still, it's a strange feeling.

P.S.: I wish I could speak to someone about it. But I can't. That's why I share it with you all. In moments like these I really feel lonely, even though I know you are out there. Then again, that helps. ;-)

*** Update ***

Now, at 15.00 I received an SMS that they just got up and slept until now... Wow, must have been something wild yesterday... haha - and Jelle has a terrible hangover he messaged...

*** Update 2 ***

It's now 21.11 and Jelle is still not home, nor have I heard anything from him. While this of course is not a problem in itself I do feel sad... I watched a movie that made me very sad (Mar Adentro) and I feel very lonely, abandoned. Maybe that's a lesson for me to learn. To pay more attention to Jelle's feelings too. I am very selfishly busy, thinking all of the time about me and how I want to change things in my life. I do not consider others around me. Obviously, that's something I must not forget. After all, I do care for him, my family but also my little brother, my friends. I wish I could hug someone now...

Oh well, I should not be too dramatic. I just watched the movie and I'm still emotionally touched but writing here now helps relief that emotional tension. It's getting better by every word... god, I guess I'm a real drama queen? ;-)

The most wonderful place on earth.

Last weekend I had the great pleasure of accompanying my beloved lilbro Dani to his favorite retreat in Galicia, Sanxenxo. This time, Dani's wonderful boyfriend Sera sadly could not be with him for family matters at his village and my beloved Jelle could also not join us because he could not get off from work so Dani and I went alone.

Luckily, after a morning shift at Schiphol I was able to get a seat on the afternoon flight of Iberia to Madrid where I wanted to try to get on the first of the three evening flights to Santiago de Compostela. I knew that all the flights were heavily booked (some even overbooked) and it looked not that good. So I was a little nervous when I arrived at Madrid. Unfortunately, after a lengthy wait it turned out there was no place for me on the first flight to SCQ. I then went to the transfer desk where they put me on the next one at 21.35. After calling with my hubby Jelle at home to get his advice what to try next I decided to try to get on the flight to Vigo but also that did not turn successful.

So I waited patiently for the 21.35 departure to Santiago. When the gate agent of that flight arrived I was a bit "shocked" and saw my chances rapidly declining: he looked like a slightly modernized version of Jesus, had heavy dark rings under his eyes and did not look to friendly and inviting. But then I pulled myself together and thought "I must not judge from the outside, he sure is very nice and capable". So I started thinking positive ;-) Then, he started to accept staff from the waiting list and all of a sudden he took my boarding pass, scribbled a seat number on it and returned it to me by kindly saying "Sitz Nummer Fünf F" - I was totally puzzled that he took the effort to address me in german and felt confirmed that I must never judge only from the outside! In the end, after all, he was really nice and got me on the flight, YAY!I called poor Dani who after a six hour long car ride from Madrid would now pick me up at the airport in Santiago from where we would drive together to our 'home' for the next three nights.

I was so happy to see him again when I arrived. I always miss him and seeing and experiencing Dani in person and live is such an enrichment to 'only' chatting with him, naturally it adds a whole other dimension.

We went to our temporary home near Sanxenxo and when we arrived it was beautiful to see how happy our hosts were to see Dani again! It looked as if the lost son returned home and Isabel and Rubio were so welcoming and affectionate and extended that feeling immediately to me and I felt like I knew them for years already! Wow, I was stunned, I have never experienced that before. Though it already was late at night we were treated to a fabulous dinner and of course they needed to catch up with Dani and I was fortunate enough to witness all their chitter and chatter. ;-)

The next morning after having a breakfast at Isabel's kitchen Dani took me to a beautiful place, a beach in San Vicente do Mar. It was a gorgeous and sunny day and the place to me looked like paradise! I couldn't believe what beauty I saw, crystal clear blue waters, white and empty sand beaches and luscious greens, wow! I felt reminded (though not necessarily by the similarity in beauty but the tranquility of the place) of Jelle's and my favorite small retreat, Malta. We walked along the coast for a while and on the return to the car we made a short stop at small café to drink something.

Again I was astonished, this time to see that while we only ordered two cokes we also received some generous tapas with them, something I could not imagine ever happen in Amsterdam (especially not for that price!!!). Before returning back home to Isabel's house he also took me to the site of the famous Spa that is situated at La Toja where I had the chance to buy some wonderful soap and eau de Cologne at the factory shop. I now have a wonderful reminder of my beautiful trip every time I wash my hands or put on the Cologne in the morning - how's that for a change, a splash of Spain every morning brings very fond memories!

In the afternoon, we had lunch at Isabel again. This weekend had a special 'surprise' for Dani: he would see his friend Jorge again, Isabel's son. They had become friends many years ago but their friendship somehow ended in a "no-speaking" state about two years ago. While Dani had made efforts to restore their friendship it was never ment to be. But fate had decided else this weekend and Dani and Jorge finally spoke to each other again! Jorge was visiting his parents together with his boyfriend Fernando. We all met before lunch and Dani and he got involved in talks and finally we decided to all make a trip to Sanxenxo and have a walk.

We spent all afternoon together and Dani and Jorge talked a lot. Of course I was only mostly listening to their talk (as was Fernando) as I don't speak spanish and could not actively participate. For my part I did not mind at all as I was happy to listen to the wonderful language and the conversation, picking up small things and thereby learning. I felt somehow happy for Dani that something for him ended that he felt wasn't really finished before. I was maybe witnessing the start or the rediscovery of their friendship. Dani explains his impressions and feelings about it in his own blog. It turned out that Dani felt that the Jorge he spoke to was not the one he had left a few years ago. They still shared some interests and passions but he was now talking to a new Jorge and it remains to be seen if their friendship will blossom again. But that weekend, a good start was made as far as I can tell! I liked the Jorge I met. Also on sunday morning we all went together to have a pre-lunch drink and later lunched together at Isabel and Rubio's who had prepared a generous, gigantic and tasty lunch. I truly felt like part of the family, even though being the 'stranger' in the group of people (also Jorge's sister and her husband with baby and grandma were joining us for the lunch).

Saturday afternoon, while Jorge and Fernando stayed at a beach bar meeting with some other friends, Dani took me to his favorite beach. It was early into the evening and the sun was setting on the horizon but unfortunately mostly covered by clouds. This place means a lot to Dani and he was very emotional. He missed Sera a lot. Even having a bigbro by your side cannot be a replacement in those moments... - it doesn't even come close, naturally!

On sunday afternoon, Dani and I took a long and nice walk on a deserted beach. It was a bit rainy and foggy. But still, this was pure beauty to me, the wide emptiness and loneliness, the solitude that I felt at that moment was a sensational feeling! I truly enjoyed being able to experience this with my lilbro. I felt very privileged being able to share these moments with Dani. I was very emotional anyway that afternoon. Many things went through my head and at moments and places like these you tend to think about a lot of things. When in the car Dani played a song by Leona Lewis he had dedicated to me a few weeks before. I had to cry when I heard it because it means so much to me. It made me happy and I expressed my emotion in some tears. I treasure those moments deep in my heart and mind.

On monday parting was hard for me. I had such a wonderful weekend that I did not really want to leave. Isabel and Rubio have been so hospitable and as always when I am together with Dani I had a great time with my beloved lilbro. Naturally, I did not want to leave. Especially since I do not really know when I will see him again (of course there are plans but you never know how they turn out). After all, Dani has a life besides me and Jelle and he is luckily devoted to and heavily and happily in love with Sera. ;-) So our encounters will have to fit into their future schedules and I'm sure they'll find one or the other slot for us in future... :-) I simply can't wait for the next one. Dani dropped me in the afternoon on his return to Madrid at Vigo airport from where I took a plane to Paris and on to Amsterdam. Those flights went perfect with no problems at all and I arrived about one and a half hours later at home in Amsterdam than Dani in Madrid. Even though we both were tired (Dani even more as he did all the driving) and have probably gained weight I felt very pleased to have spent these few and great days in wonderful Spain in the awesome company of my lilbro Dani.
Beloved lilbro, thank you so much for inviting me to Sanxenxo, it was an amazing experience. I feel very privileged that you showed and shared with me your most wonderful place on earth. I now know this place too and start to understand the magic it bears.

I truly enjoyed all we did, I am happy and extremely thankful and proud for having you as my lilbro!

When I learned one thing this weekend than it's the discovery that no matter where and when you are but with whom you are which makes every place the most wonderful place on earth. That said, my little world turns richer and richer of beautiful places as I discover them with my friends and family, the ones I love.

As I told you, you are the greatest friend and best little brother in the world!

Start the love, again.

Okay. This is something new to my blog. I removed a post from my blog for the first time as I mentioned in the previous post. Not because I needed to but because it wasn't really finished. I should have thought more and longer about things I wrote before publishing it. Now I think I did and I rewrote the post and published it again.

Let me first of all tell you that I feel excellent. Even better than yesterday that I posted it for the first time. The reason for me to post this is simple. I want to talk about something that's one of my characteristics. Arguably not my best, but it's part of me. It's about being insecure and fear.

You see, yesterday I mentioned my jealousy. Being jealous about someone. I focused that jealousy on one certain person. That was because I somehow concentrated all my insecureness and jealousy, my fears, everything that's bothering me into that one single person. Which of course is neither doing him justice nor is it what my feelings are all about. 

Superficially looking at it, sure there is my jealousy towards the other person. Suddenly I felt I have a "competitor" next to me, another "brother". I was jealously watching him. For what reason? Fear. Being insecure. I had never before felt such a deep and satisfying friendship to someone than I have with Dani. It means the world to me. So someone suddenly appearing next to me, being a bro' too felt like the ultimate thread to me, like loosing what I had looked for so long and finally found in Dani. Like Dani said, it felt like he's stealing Dani away from me. In the beginning, I did not understand the difference. I did not see there is no reason for it. I wasblinded by my own jealousy. The worst thing happened to me what jealousy always does, it makes you blind for the real important and beautiful thing there is in life: love. In the beginning I did not see all the love my little brother is constantly giving me. Meanwhile I know, I see it with my heart and eyes, I hear it with my ears and I can feel it with all my senses. 

But was that really all? Was it all about loosing my beloved lilbro? There is more to it of course. It is my general problem of being insecure, feeling that fear of loosing something I dearly treasure. I develop a similar, yet less intense jealousy, towards others too. I have a similar feeling of insecureness, of loosing a friend, of not being worthy someone's friendship with my other friends as well. The feeling of jealousy why I am not invited for something is also present. Or when I am excluded from a common activity with other friends that I thought I belong to as well. Of course it makes no sense. It doesn't mean anything at all. My friends have their own lives of which they sometimes let me be part of. But if not, it does not mean I'm not a friend anymore. I know that but still I developed these feelings that bothered me regularly. But my friendship to my other friends is different than my relation with my lilbro. So I develop a different kind of fear and jealousy but they all come from one source: the fear of loosing what I found and like. But I usually don't show or at least try to avoid showing it to my friends. Towards Dani I am open. I tell him everything. Towards the others I tend to be more closed. So I guess I focused all my fears in the end into one person. If it wouldn't have been him, it would have been someone else probably.

Don't get me wrong. I am not sitting in a dark corner of my home and pity myself all day long. It's kind of a numb feeling, something that's nagging on my mind in the background. Luckily I have spoken about it here and I also spoke about part of it to Dani. The combination of both helps me a lot. Especially the talk with Dani was amazing. Dani, it felt like you were taking a giant rock of me. You relieved me, just like that. By finding the right words. I feel extremely free. Yeah, that's a good expression, I feel free. There is no feeling of jealousy anymore. 

Now that I talked about it I feel more capable to reflect my own feelings. To realize where they come from and how I can avoid them. I know there is no reason for them. I should read back here if there is a next time...

 

What concerns this one person: I don't feel the urge anymore to follow him. To "compete" with him. I will most certainly come across him regularly and I don't even avoid him. But all that's triggered by jealousy is something I will leave behind now because I know better now. I can see again, with my heart. Making new friends is what matters to me. I don't really know whether that will ever happen between him and me. The important thing for me is to see again, with my heart. So for that reason I can now say to him: "Hi Finnegan, how are you? Care for a new friend?"

Starting the love, again. This time better, I think.

Having friends, having faith.

Sometimes I don't have much to tell, because I feel absolutely great. That's good of course but it is boring in a blog... ;-)

So what have I done lately? After I went to Berlin with Dani we had our american friends Daniel and David visiting which was great. There was the Eurovision evening at Timo's where I met Mika for the first time personally which was a great pleasure. I enjoyed that a lot, even Jelle went with me. I managed to watch Hairspray recently together with Jörg who visited me so we could watch it together. That was a really pleasant and funny afternoon with a lot of laughing! Dani had recommended and given the movie to me and Jörg, Jelle and I felt like the last gays to finally watch it. ;-) On Jelle's unspectacular birthday we went to a concert at Carré (my first visit there) and we saw a pretty good performance of Gilbert OSullivan. Then Dani and Sera visited us in a weekend and we had a fun time with visiting Trijntje Oosterhuis in concert in Carré and enjoying a very special dinner at an arabian themed restaurant where we lay down for eating, very special. Thanks to Dani and Sera for inviting us for it, it was fabulous, Jelle and I truly enjoyed it, most of all because it was in your company! 

You know why I feel great? Because I have great friends. Because I am happy the way my life is developing at the moment. After a very long period of self chosen social "isolation" I now enjoy being in contact with my newly made friends. Jelle is also slowly opening up and I like to see that as well. It sometimes even feels very tiring, being constantly busy and not really having time for yourself. So I am two days off now and I enjoy having nothing planned.

On the other hand, I miss when I don't get emails, no news on facebook, no comments on my photos by anyone. I love the attention of any kind. I need to have confirmations. It's probably a thing of insecurity that's still buried deep inside me.

Most of the friends I have are still virtual friends. Though I have met some of them personally now. I am very fortunate to have met you very special, very great guys I must say!

I have met Jörg a while ago and even though we don't see each other too often or chat very often I feel very connected to him. Every time we meet it feels like we pick up the lines where we last left them. 

Physically, Timo is the closest of my friends as he lives also in Amsterdam. I am very pleased we became very good friends. I like his easiness, we can spontaneously decide to have a coffee after work or do other things. We chat and mail very often and do see each other frequently. Okay, maybe this sounds pretty normal to you, but to me it's a big change in my life as for years I did not have this. Therefore I enjoy it and I am happy it's with Timo. 

Don't get me wrong, I don't believe in judging people and friendships in grades of quality. So if I say something about them here it more reflects the intensity I know, speak and see them rather than the quality of our friendship. I treasure all the friends and friendships I have, each are individual and every single one is important to me. 

When I was pretty down a few months ago I met Dani and he stands by my side ever since. He is the greatest of all friends and I cannot praise his beauty much enough - he has a pure heart of gold, shares his love with his friends and is the most generous and kind person! There's so much to say about Dani, how funny, how smart, how great he is! Every time I think about it I cannot really believe I am so fortunate to have met him. Though the term "friend" does not really suit the importance he has for me. He truly became my little brother and I feel honoured and privileged he allows me to call him that and that I am his bigbro. You all might get pretty tired of me talking about lilbro but this is simply an indication of how important he is to me. But just place yourself in my position and you will understand. There is something Dani does that builds up my self confidence. He makes me feel safe and protected. I can notice on myself that it happens much less often that I feel down and insecure. Luckily, Dani became part of my daily life. He and also his friend Sera grew close to my heart in no time. They are very dear to me and the only thing I really miss about us is seeing them more often. But considering the physical distance between us we still see each other quite frequently and I am pretty happy about that. I trust Dani. I can tell Dani anything, anytime. He understands me like no other and he always knows a "cure" to my problems. But I say these things here because it's difficult for me to tell someone directly. I know Dani usually reads here so this is a way for me to tell him how grateful I am, how precious he is and what wonderful things he does to me. Thank you Dani.

I truly consider myself lucky and happy. Because I have everything in life. I have a friend who is with me since more than ten years. Who stands by me even though I was confused about my feelings, who bravely accepts my attention shifting sometimes more to my friends, sometimes back to him. He accepts my search for the right balance. He is my friend who loves me. And deep inside I know I love him too. Even though I don't show that very often to him lately. But I think he understands somehow. His understanding helps me a lot. Thank you Jelle for being there for me, for loving me, for accepting all the stupid things I may do. I do love you too. 

I also have a job which is pretty okay and which luckily permits me to easily see my friends and family who are not close by more often than I could normally see them. I am healthy, I don't have to starve, I can even permit a little luxury compared to many other people on this planet. And of course I am blessed with my friends, very special ones. What else could I ask for? So the little inadequacies that run through my life constantly, like an underlying theme, are small and negligible. And if they occur, there is someone there to help me - because I have friends, because I have faith.

The look of joy.

On sunday, I received a CD from my little brother as a present (which, after having returned home I already listened to and as Dani expected I love it!). He gave it to me in Amsterdam at the airport before we left with the aircraft to Frankfurt. On board of my return flight to Amsterdam I opened it. I could not wait to get home and listen to the song. I had to read the lyrics right there. There I sat, a whole business class row for my own. I read the lyrics of the song he dedicated to me. It touched me deeply and made me proud and happy. It brought tears to my eyes. But not because I was sad but because I was so happy. Because it means so much to me what he said to me, besides all the other things he always does for his bigbro.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart Dani. 

Truly blessed.

I am truly blessed. Because I have a friend who is the best mate in the world. He is really someone truly special. He is not near me. He lives far away. But yet, he is always there for me when I need him. He never let me down. He always encourages me. He is patient with me when I am down again and lifts me up when I stumble upon the same old stuff... He is smart and wise. He senses when he needs to be there. He knows the right words to say at the right time. He is reliable, he is loveable, he is funny and he is always busy.

Our friendship constantly develops. It does so sometimes faster than I can adapt... Our lives constantly change and these changes have influence on our friendship. But if I really think about it, all changes are positive. Our friendship becomes closer by the day. I start to understand him better and better. I treasure every bit of it.
But then there's me. I am stupid. Because I constantly want confirmations of that friendship, because I am jealous of "the other" guy (and I'm not speaking of his boyfriend!) whom I see as a "competitor", now can you imagine how stupid THAT is? I should know better first of all and second I should know him by now. It's not about me or us but about real true friendship, that's not measured in the amounts of chats or length of talks but always in the love, care and the respect friends have for each other.

You, my friend, deserve all the happiness in the world. I was really shocked when you told me about this other friend of yours who was so cruel to you, accusing you of really nasty things, who hurt you. I don't understand him, even though he might going through hard times. See, even though he hurt you, you still defend him, one of your beautiful characteristics. But it's you who deserves understanding, it's you who deserves to be happy. And luckily you are happy, you are in love. What better can there be in this world than being happy in love?! Because of that as I have said here before, you change and shift your attention and time to him, your boyfriend. Being a true friend I understand that, I have done the same. We - your friends - want to see you happy and therefore have to take a step back into the second line. But that does not mean you don't care for us anymore. We know that. But it's so easy to forget and we are selfish and think of us as playing the lead role. But life has changed that, we now have the role of supporting actor. But we will excel in it, just watch us!

I loved our long chats and talks, I could tell you things about me and you would listen and give advice. And the other way around. Nothing has changed about that, we could still do that. We would even understand and know each other more and better. It's just that we don't do it anymore. And I understand why, as I said above. It's not bad at all, it's just that I miss it. I don't have anybody else for that. Also that is alright. It's simply the way it is. But because it was something so beautiful I simply miss it, but again, I do understand the reason. The positive thing about it is that I have the beautiful memory of it. As you said, our friendship evolved to another stage. You told me and did that with the most wonderful words as only you could say them. Thanks so much for that. It means a lot to me. I knew, I do understand, I will remember. Note to myself: read here next time...

I am truly blessed. Because I have a friend who is just like my little brother. He truly IS my lilbro. Except for my beloved boyfriend, he is the best man in the world. Never ever before have I experienced such an intense feeling of friendship to someone. I will never let him down, I will always be there for him. He can call me anytime, day or night and I will come to him to be there if he needs a friend, where ever he may be. I will always be in the background, when he wants me there. I will always respect him, I will always treat him with dignity. I will never hurt him. I will give my last shirt for him. All of that, because I love him as a friend, as a brother just as he loves me. All of that, because he is my best friend. All of that, because he's my lilbro. All of that, because he's the way he is, because he is Dani.

It's not about me.

Things change. People change too. Relationships change. Lives change. They make people change. Sometimes, at least a little.
I know from my own experience that in the beginning of my relationship with Jelle (which is some 11 years ago) I was only focused on him. I forgot everything and everybody around me. My best friends had to suffer. I only had eyes and time for my Jelle. The best of all friends understand and will always be by your side. The ones you loose in this process aren't your real friends, I believe. Even though I was aware of this and wanted to prevent it, I still believe that's difficult to achieve and most will fail, so did I. Your emotions towards your love are so overwhelming you simply forget the world around you, luckily. That's nothing you do on purpose, it just happens and it's perfectly alright. After all, it's about love, the most beautiful thing that can ever happen to two human beings. But then again, being a true friend, I would always want it to blossom as the most beautiful flower the world has ever seen and therefore I would always rinse that flower by being the accepting and understanding friend who will always be there, even if only in the background. That's the least I can do as a friend.
Even though I know and understand all of that, it still is not easy for me I believe. I think I gained quite some confidence in myself in the last months, especially thanks to the trust and friendship of my most beloved friend but I still believe it's a very fragile state. I still tend to have doubts about myself very easily and look for my shortcomings. But I have to learn to accept that very often it's not about me but about them, generally speaking. There will always be the friends who will have to focus on themselves for whatever reasons, who will pay less attention to myself as I would hope for, who will shift their priorities to others or other things, who fall in love. Then it's up to me to understand, after all I'm their friend. Having said all that, thinking about it all, I come to the conclusion that it's easy after all - because they are my friends. And I know it's not about me.

Introduction to my blog.

I started my blog with some sad thoughts. But I wanted to tell them as I really felt sad yesterday. But of course I should write some introducing words about the purpose of this blog. Well, it purely serves one simple purpose: to tell someone about my feelings, my
thoughts and my desires.

Wait a minute, I hear you saying, aren't you in a relationship? Well, yeah, sort of. Jelle and I live together since about ten years now. But we are in a crisis at the moment. Of course we need to talk about us, but I also feel I have to out my feelings to someone "neutral",
someone outside of our relationship. That's you, exactly. Oh well, and my hair dresser of course (to use a bad old german joke)...

So if you are interested in what I have to say about me or the things that bother me, read on. If you are more of a visual type, why not try and have a look at my flickr photos at http://www.flickr.com/photos/? If that doesn't help, in some time I hope to have built up some movie suggestions and maybe you can find some distraction there. Of course there's also the music I listen too that you might be interested. Still not satisfied? Now it's getting difficult... well, have a look around yourself to find something of interest and else, check out my blog mates ;-)

That said, I feel i also need to mention that I won't be able to post something every day. I could try but I know in advance I won't manage to do that. I am working irregular shifts and it's impossible for me to have a decent regular private schedule. So I do thing more spontaneously, less planning unfortunately. So I suggest to add this blog to your feed reader so in case of any updates you will be noticed immediately. Very handy, I daily use google reader for the pages I am most interested in. I can only highly recommend to use it, too.

Oh, you wonder, what will I talk about here? Different things. As you can read above, my interests are diverse. I love bear men so I might bother you with some comments on recent sightings of a beautiful bear man or events or whatever has to do with the bear men's world. ;-) I also like going to the cinema. I haven't done that too much in recent years but hope to resume it more often and hopefully I can tell about the movie I've seen. I work in the airline industry and I am also interested in civil aviation. And I love to travel, with planes or cruise ships for example. So you might find posts here about my travels or airline or cruise related items. For some reason I have a general interest in public transport, so I also like trains, trams and
metros and to a lesser extent also buses. Technical gadgets, Apple computers, internet and stuff do get my attention too. Finally, I love design and architecture. So you might see posts about this topic as well.

Reading about my interests you might have realized that there is a lot of dead, technical stuff surrounding me. I realize that. I am in a process of trying to change it. I need to. As I do not feel happy about it. I miss something, I miss live, I miss love. You receive love by people, by friends, not by trains, planes or ipods... So this blog is most probably not only about trivia but things that really move me.

Please do leave a comment. I am most happy to get in contact with people. I want to meet new people, make friends. I know it's possible, even on internet. Friendships grow when you get to know someone, meet someone in person. Let's start out here. I look forward to meet you.

For now, I thank you for your interest. Please come back soon or even better add me to your feed reader like google reader.

Take care and let me give you a hug.

P.S.: Please bear with me while this blog develops. In the beginning you might see some changes, some things not working or not looking good. I am sure I will develop my own style, in the beginning I might look at other blogs to get some inspirations. But I am new to this stuff and have to figure things out. With the time comes experience on what and how I want to publish here and how I deal with comments and other for me yet unknown things. Thank you.