...it never happens to me.

Picture this: you're sitting in the train, on your way to work, a 20 minute ride. Then, across you on the other side of the aisle, a young punk-ish twenty-ish guy takes a seat. The guy is somehow interesting to look at because of his style. While looking you finally realize that the guy has one hand in his trousers - yes, in his crotch! You start wondering if he suffers from lice or maybe is just re-arranging the "contents"... and while keeping watching you confirm to yourself that indeed he has a hard-on hidden in his trousers! And yes, he is playing with himself, while you keep watching! Of course, you decide not to look any other way but keep looking! And he keeps playing... and there's your stop, you exit the train to go to work.

Well, this did not happen to me but to a good friend. Such things never happen to me. I wonder how I would react if it'd ever happen. Maybe it's how I appear towards others that this would (n)ever happen to me. And I don't even know whether it's something I should be sad about missing...? I guess to experience the "excitement" and being "attractive" to someone else (even for such a purpose as simply being an audience) is cool since it's out of the ordinary (somehow)? How about you, have you had such experiences? How did you like it, how did you react?

Emotional

There is this Whitney Houston song playing in my head all afternoon..., the lyrics "... I get so emotional baby, every time I think of youuuhuuuu..." going through my head. It strangely feels like a soundtrack though I don't know the lyrics at all except for that part I mentioned which keeps repeating in my head... like those annoying songs from time to time that simply stuck in your head without obvious reason... Does this happen to you as well, that you feel much more emotional on one day than the other? I can't think of any specific reason why I am like this today... but I am. The slightest thing touches me and I almost feel like crying aobut little things that I hear when we talked. Today is such a day that I physically miss you a lot, to hug and feel that very special and dear friend, to feel some warmth. I feel like I soak up every little piece of love, warmth, appreciation like a dry sponge. Usually it's not "thaaaat bad"... I can keep up my mood pretty well I think. But obviously there are days for whatever reason that I'm less perfect. Like today. Sure, I have my hubby and we are doing very well. Yet, there are things I miss. There's a deep desire for warmth, ..., love and all kinds of other attention, like nice words. For example, I wish I'd one day hear words of being desired too, like you speak of others. Not necessarily from you but to experience such a sensation of being desired. I sometimes get a hint of that on flickr but it does not feel real and is far away. But I think a lot about such things, wondering how certain things I never experienced in my life could be. I can't remember ever being desired by someone, physically. With passion. Not that you can do anything about it. But you know me and what I talk about. Sometimes I think I travelled my life in one big circle and somehow feel I haven't moved forward one single step since the end of 2007 in certain ways. Of course there have been positive changes for me, luckily. But other things haven't changed and I wonder if they ever will? Can you still change certain things at my age? Can you make up for things of which you think you missed them? Did I really miss them, anyway? Is it enough for me to soak up your stories about such things, to hear your "wild" stories and think of my "possibly missed opportunities"? I am thankful for having my hubby by my side. I need him and he is important. But as great as he is he can't change my shortcomings.

...and still all I hear is that "...I get so emotional baby..."

Wrestling bears

I always say I'm not into sports at all - but when I look at these men, I seriously start developing an interest for wrestling! :)

My first Kiss

It was my first visit to Klaus. I had met him through a common friend in my hometown and it clicked on our first meeting. I was interested in him and he in me which surprised me. He is five years older. We agreed on a visit and I went to visit him by train. I hoped to stay overnight for the first time in my life but had no idea if that would work out. After I arrived it sooned turned out he had similar ideas about my visit... ;-) We came closer to each other on his couch in the living room and that's where we first kissed and which became my first passionate "real" kiss.
I remember the days after were a bit embarrassing as I had sore lips from heavy kissing with him...

Size does matter!

I came across this amazing advertisment the other day: famous Dr. Ruth Westheimer is admitting "I collect"... First of all, I do too.  ;-) Second, my collection is that of m...odels (of airplanes I flew with) and I think Ruth is right: after all, size does matter! :-P

What a funny advertisement, I just love it. LOL :-)

(seen in: Airways magazine, p.81, issue Nov.08)

A huge hug.

It's a strange feeling.

This is something new for me. 

Since a few months Jelle and I had decided to open our relationship. We both felt not happy and thought one of the things we can try to become happy again in our relation is to open it up. So we can both experiment and enjoy other sexual encounters. Not that this is the most important thing in a relationship, but it sure is part of it.

In all those months I only made use of my sexual freedom only once, more or less. There haven't been tons of mens hushing through my bed... I still wonder if that's something I miss? I never have been the 'one-night-stand' guy though I had them before but it never really fulfilled me or really deeply satisfied me. In my former relationship with Klaus it became one of the things that made me part from him, the fact that he who was older had much more sexual experiences than I had (but it wasn't the main reason). I felt and actually I still do feel very unexperienced. I caught up a little on my sexual experience after the relation with Klaus but it wasn't much that happened, especially compared to others. I do remember my friend Lutz who kept records of all the men he slept with (which I thought was so weird...) and while I was kind of disgusted I was at the same time fascinated. I am just as fascinated about someone I feel very close to who is about thirteen years younger yet it feels to me he is so much more experienced. Again, I do wonder if that is part of what I miss, what I look for, what I want? Should I really try to catch up with him, Lutz and others? Do I become happier then? Does it make me more satisfied, will I become more relaxed? I still wonder if it is possible to have a what someone called 'concubear' in a recent discussion I had with some people. Meaning to have a friend with whom you also can have intimacy besides your 'normal' relationship. While my lilbro thinks it's not possible, it's either a friend or sex partner but not both plus a relation, the others I discussed this with said they had such a thing and claimed it works. I still think about it a lot and really wonder if it can work, work for me? 

But what strikes me the most today is what happened yesterday: Jelle went to see the soccer match of the dutch team (they lost, by the way), together with Timo. I stayed at home, I am not into soccer though I had the tv on in the background to stay updated of how it would go. After the match finished I decided to watch Desperate Housewives. I found that our cable provider is offering the first season for free watching so I started from scratch and looked the first three episodes. When I finally went to bed, it was almost 03.00 am. But Jelle had not come home yet. I normally never go to bed when he hasn't come home, I'm always a bit worried. But I did yesterday, I actually expected him to come home soon and thought I would probably hear him. But it felt strange. I fell asleep immediately and when I woke up again it was 09.00 am this morning. I turned and noticed no one was in my bed next to me. That was strange! I got up and went looking in the living room, but no one there. Even more strange! Jelle regularly falls asleep in his chair in front of the tv but not this time, he didn't come home last night obviously. It felt weird and it's an experience I never had before, especially because he hadn't even informed me about it. So I checked my mobile and sure enough it wasn't connected to the network. After I fixed that I received an SMS - from Jelle from last night. He said that it had become late and he would sleep at Timo's! Again, I thought it strange as that's not typical for Jelle and second he could have taken a night bus to get home.

So, this is some new emotion for me, something I haven't experienced so far. I am not jealous but I still wonder what has happened last night. Well, maybe I am a bit jealous, yeah. But it feels really weird, it's now almost 12.30pm and I still haven't heard anything. I of course have been away several times now but then Jelle knew I would be away and with whom and for how long. He even knew there was no sexual thing happening. But so far I have never stayed away from home without telling beforehand. As I said, it feels very strange. I am curious to hear the story, what happened, what they did... So I guess that 'open relationship' thing is not that easy, not as simple as it seems, huh? Well, I keep on learning, keep on trying to be open. But still, it's a strange feeling.

P.S.: I wish I could speak to someone about it. But I can't. That's why I share it with you all. In moments like these I really feel lonely, even though I know you are out there. Then again, that helps. ;-)

*** Update ***

Now, at 15.00 I received an SMS that they just got up and slept until now... Wow, must have been something wild yesterday... haha - and Jelle has a terrible hangover he messaged...

*** Update 2 ***

It's now 21.11 and Jelle is still not home, nor have I heard anything from him. While this of course is not a problem in itself I do feel sad... I watched a movie that made me very sad (Mar Adentro) and I feel very lonely, abandoned. Maybe that's a lesson for me to learn. To pay more attention to Jelle's feelings too. I am very selfishly busy, thinking all of the time about me and how I want to change things in my life. I do not consider others around me. Obviously, that's something I must not forget. After all, I do care for him, my family but also my little brother, my friends. I wish I could hug someone now...

Oh well, I should not be too dramatic. I just watched the movie and I'm still emotionally touched but writing here now helps relief that emotional tension. It's getting better by every word... god, I guess I'm a real drama queen? ;-)