Precious.

Friendship is precious. I realize this now more than ever before. I have very few friends only. During the years in the relationship with Jelle we both were happy with ourselves and were fully concentrating on each other. We neglected the few friends we had back then. Something that's probably normal in a relationship or at least not unusual. But it's a mistake. I only had (and luckily still have) one friend in Amsterdam. The few others are in Germany. But that's so far away, too far for spontaneously having a coffee, a visit to the cinema or visiting each other to talk, the things you do with friends. And I even seldom see the Amsterdam friend, I usually meet him a few hours once a year in Germany on a aviation trade fair we both usually attend to. Isn't that sad? But I started to change that. I realized I made the mistake of not being there for friends. I did not do enough to maintain friendships. It was difficult for my friends to get in contact with me. I hated (and actually still do hate) the telephone and avoided to pick up if someone called. I have a mobile phone for years. Only recently I started using it. Still, only few people have my number, but it's a start.

A thing I inherited from my father is who you call a friend. In german language there is a distinction between a friend and an acquaintance. So calling someone a friend is something I am very cautious with. I know quite some people but I wouldn't necessarily call them a friend. For me, they fall into the category "acquaintance". I don't mean to be cruel or hard or unfriendly towards them. But I do believe that there simply is a difference. A friend is always there for you, will listen to you, cry with you, laugh with you, tell you unpleasant truths, will encourage you, will catch you if you fall, all these things that require trust, love, courage, intelligence, emotions, time and the will to invest all this in you and receive it vice versa! An acquaintance is either not willing to do this or lacks one or even several of these attributes. Which is fine of course, but therefore I personally like to make that distinction. I have learned that from my father and I believe he is right. The only "problem" is the "maintenance" of friendships, which require a lot of investment of time and all the other "ingredients" I mentioned above. If you are careless with that, you start loosing friends. That was my problem and I hope to be able to fix this in the future. But it's not easy to make a start. At least not for me. As I said in an earlier post I consider myself as shy. So for me it's difficult to approach others. The internet works in my advantage though, as I find it easier to talk to a stranger for the first time. But the road is long and winding. I feel so impatient. I can't wait to have built new friendships. But that's something said easier than done. I somehow feel trapped. There is this little opening to the world, called internet. I make use of it. But that's not enough. I still struggle to find and meet new people. As without them, there's no friendship. I noticed that I enjoy talking to someone via chat and it improves my mood. But it does not replace personal interaction. I need to be more patient and be more open towards others. I think I do not dare to ask and speak to people to avoid being rejected, even if it's for a simple thing as a having a coffee together. This was me, the sheep afraid of a wolf that wasn't there. To accept a "no" as not particularly being a catastrophe is a first step, isn't it? Step by step I will meet the people who treasure my friendship as much as I will treasure theirs. I believe in it. I'm just impatient. When I met Jelle he was someone who became a friend very fast before we became lovers. During our relation he was truly supportive in many ways. He believed in me. He encouraged me, he helped me believe in me. In a relationship that's something you take for granted. You tend to forget it's something special. I forgot to treasure it. But I do remember now. I am thankful, I will always be thankful to him for what he was, is and will be for me. Even though I cannot show it to him at the moment, even though I do not know what direction our relationship will go. Then, not so long ago I was fortunate enough to meet one of the most wonderful people I ever met in my life. He won't take too much credit for what he does and means to me. But this man is one big support to me. I call him my best friend. He really makes a difference in my life. He made me awake. Thanks to him I started believing in me again. He sees in me what I can't but he helps me opening my eyes. He is there for me, catches me when I fall, invests a lot of time in me, cares for me and likes me the way I am, trusts me. He is a true friend. He is just like my little brother. His friendship is most precious to me. Thank you, Dani.