A child of love.

Since a few days my parents tried to reach me. I had not called them since three weeks which honestly I did not realize. I am working fulltime, I have my own life and time flies when you're... well busy ;-) Anyway, to make a long story short... yesterday evening on my way home I called home and chatted for 45 minutes to my mom (god, I hope the cellphone costs aren't too bad to Germany from Holland...). I explained some things to her, mentioned that she had tried to call me during my spanish lesson when I could not respond, spoke about my search for new friends, told her I found the best friend I can imagine in my lilbro Dani and also about my doubts about myself and my constant need for confirmation of being loveable, being loved, being a friend...etc etc... a constant push up of my low self esteem to which she suddenly and totally unexpected by me replied and kind of joked that since I was a child of my loveable father and my loveable mother I was a loveable child of them! Which I thought was very cute of her to say and her way of trying to cheer me up. I was very happy about that! We talked a bit more and finally, to surprise me even more, out of nothing she said I should not worry, I was a child of love and not an accident. ;-) Something I cannot remember they ever told me but it made me really happy to hear. Not that I worried about that but the fact she said it and the way she did made me happy. I love my parents and now I even know I'm their child of love.

Primera lección.

I am so excited! On tuesday, 29th of July, I will start my spanish lessons! Yay! I am really looking forward to learn a new language. I've had the thought for a little longer than a year but it took me until now to sign up for a real training course at a school here in Amsterdam. Apart from the few, yet important words like "guapo", "beso", "abrazo", "gracias" and "Bueons dias" I don't know anything about spanish. :-)
At school, many years ago, I did learn french (which I forgot for great parts again...) and the last language I learned was dutch. At the moment, I only speak german, english and dutch. But I figured it would be nice to be able to speak some basic spanish.
It regularly happens at work that spanish speakers ask simple questions which at the moment I cannot answer (yet). I also have some spanish speaking friends and even though they speak english it still would be nice to be able to do some basic talk to them in spanish.
So keep your fingers crossed and I hope I can rely on some of you for your assistance every once in a while ;-) And please be gentle with me and all the mistakes I will make in the beginning... I just hope I will be able to pick up a good pronunciation as that seems a very difficult part of the language to me. I hope I will have lots of opportunities to go to Spain and talk and listen to you guys down there, improving my spanish knowledge. Meanwhile, I will at least have different spanish blogs to follow as well as lots of beautiful spanish music to listen to which gives me plenty of opportunity to practice my language knowledge too.
Hopefully, in the future I can skip a look at google translator when I want to say things like "España, aquí yo vengo." :-D

My favorite...click...tv program as a child...click click

I came across this intro to my favorite tv program of my childhood: Robbi, Tobbi und das Fliewatüüt! It's a german tv series, originally in four episodes, later re-edited and cut into 11 episodes and the film, uhm pardon me, the 'MAZ' (the german short for 'Magnetaufzeichung' which is 'video tape recording', very modern in 1972) was made by the inventor of the immensely popular tv program "Die Sendung mit der Maus" ("The program with the mouse"). It's based on a book published in 1967 (my year of birth) and it's about a little boy (Tobbi) from third grade at school who has invented a craft that can fly ("Flie" from "Fliegen" = to fly), swim ("Wa" from "Wasser" = water) and drive like a car ("Tüüt" is the sound car signals in Germany make) and who has a robot friend (Robbi). Robbi needs to pass an exam at his robot school and to help him Tobbi and Robbi go on some adventures to find answers to the exam questions. That's basically the story behind the series. If you look at it now it looks so outdated but to me looking at it, it has a lot of charme and I do have a lot of fond memories. I really love the series. Here's the very typical, 70's sound, theme song that was well known in Germany at the time.



There are a few more videos on youtube that show some excerpts from the actual series but of course that's in german only, but maybe if you're interested just click through and enjoy.

In any case I wanted to share this with you to show you a bit more about myself, so you get a little more insight in who "your's truly" is. I hope you liked it.

Here's my...click...big hug to...click...all of you...click click.

P.S.: You can even find some childhood photos of me here, in case you care.

Maybe I'm not that bad...

Okay, here is my follow up to yesterday's post about myself: maybe I'm not that bad, after all... But hey, I was really overwhelmed at that moment and just couldn't handle all those emotions at the same time. So I felt very bad and useless. I know I'm not. I try to be a god son to my parents. But not calling them at the time they want does not make me a bad son, does it? ;-) I live my own life, I have my very own little problems and not sharing all of them with my parents again does not make me a bad son, or does it? ;-)
I decided not to share all things that bother me with them because it won't help me and doesn't make them happier. That doesn't mean I don't trust them or I exclude them from my life, it's just that I decided to live my own life and share only the things that they truly need to know.
I can still be a good son even if I only call after three weeks. I am interested in what happens to them. But I have my problems and have to deal with them as well, besides I am working full time. Yet, I want to live my life the way I want it - and I will do just that. But I will try in future to be a bit more considerate.  I also want to be more in touch with them as I feel I now still have the chance before it's too late and I am without them. That is something I try to avoid thinking of as it makes me deeply sad. I do love my parents, from the bottom of my heart. So, maybe I'm not that bad...

I'm not a good son.

I'm not a good son. I keep my parents excluded from most parts of my life. My mother is not well, since three weeks already. I haven't called them since then to inquire. This morning they called and naturally my dad said he was wondering why I haven't called. He suspects something is wrong. He wonders if it has to do with them, if they have done something wrong. I denied, it's nothing about them. It's about me. But they called shortly before I have to go to work. I don't have the time now to explain what's going on with me. They maybe deserve to know but on the other hand I don't want to bother them with my problems, they have enough themselves. So I didn't talk. Shortly after the call my dad called back, saying he doesn't feel comfortable, wanting to know if something is wrong with me and Jelle. I told him I can't talk about things now as I have to go to work. It didn't comfort him but he accepted it. I told him we will talk in the next days. Jelle managed to tear me even more down by agreeing with them. Of course he is right, they are right. But when I explained to him why I didn't call them, what my thoughts are he interrupted me and said I should explain to them, not to him. Wow, that's support. Thanks for that, exactly what I need. Now I go to work, feeling down, sad, guilty and facing probably 400 stranded angry people because of the strike of our pilots today. Just what I needed on top of that.
I'm not a good son, I should involve my parents more. I never really did. I can try. But I'm still searching for the answers to all of my questions, how can I explain to them what's wrong if I hardly know myself?
I do love them. I can trust them. Yet, I'm so concentrated on myself that I forget the world around me.
I am sorry.

Ugly.

The following video shows a new built yacht of a young russian millionaire. The ship was designed by famous designer Philippe Starck but honestly: I've never seen a more ugly private yacht! So if you had a few hundred spare millions, would your private yacht look like this...?

Music and emotion

Lately I figured out how to connect my stereo set to the Airport Express so I can play iTunes directly on my stereo (mind you, it's still not working wirelessly but at least I can use it now... sigh). Since then I enjoy listening to my favorite music via stereo which of course is a much more pleasant experience.
Not a new fact but something I again realized is the fact that music and emotion are closely connected. The songs I'm listening to at the moment are kind of soothing to my ear and soul. I feel comforted. For some reason I'm a bit sad since yesterday which I cannot explain. It feels good though to listen to the music which sort of feels like someone is gently fondling my head and body. Obviously it's something I long to receive and don't get, maybe that's why I'm sad. I have a wonderful collection of music that's romantic enough to make me feel good and dream away. ;-) As a kid I listen to the radio very often, nowadays I don't anymore. So new music rarely gets my attention. But luckily I have three people that have a big influence in my music taste. 
First of all there's Jelle naturally who regularly lets me know one or the other song he heard on the radio (at work) and that's obviously a popular song at that moment - so he's kinda keeping me up to date. We also have a similar music taste and share quite some artists and songs we like. The one song I associate the most with Jelle is one he presented to me right in the beginning of our relationship. It's sung by Paul de Leeuw, a very popular gay dutch tv host and it's called "Ik heb je lief", which translates into "I love you". It's very dear to me listening to it and makes me happy.
Then there is Timo. Timo and I don't have a big common music taste. We both love eurovision songs but that's about it, with a few exceptions. His music taste is completely different from mine. But the one thing Timo does is to introduce me to music he likes and that in turn introduces me to new and to me unknown artists and songs. Sometimes I discover marvels and can add new artists and songs to my library.
Last but not least there is Dani. My lilbro probably has the biggest influence on my music taste at the moment. We have a very similar music taste and he opened a whole new world of fantastic spanish pop music to me. We both love film music (the soundtracks) and he regularly introduces me to new music of which he knows I am going to like it. After all, we are almost brothers... ;-) I'd love to sing along the songs which mostly is not possible yet as I don't know spanish yet and in contrast to him I cannot memorize all the lyrics that easily. But it's great fun and I enjoy it a lot when he sings as I think he  has a wonderful voice that I like to listen to. Dani even managed to dedicate a song to me which every time I listen to it makes me cry. This only proves how close music and emotion are I think.
Now that I've listened a while to music while writing this post I can notice that my mood improved a little. It's really amazing what effect a few notes, in the right order played on the right instruments can have on your soul. I really admire people who have the ability of playing any kind of instrument. It must be such a gift to be able to produce music that will be so important for a multitude of reasons to others. Interestingly, I am the kind of person that mainly listens to the music itself as I don't understand the lyrics  in most cases. The lyrics of most of the spanish music I lately mostly listen to is unknown to me. Understandably Dani cannot translate each and every song to me (though he would love to, knowing him). I know some of them and the ones I know become even more interesting once you know what the song is about. But still the music alone is magic enough of most songs to have an effect on me, even without knowing the lyrics. Maybe because most music I listen to is not sung in german I tend to ignore the lyrics in the first instance. Even with english lyrics I can easily ignore them and purely enjoy the music itself. I also love soundtracks of movies which in most cases are instrumental and to me listening to the pure sound can usually carry me away into a different world.
Timo is busy lately and we seldom chat at the moment. I know the reason why and perfectly understand. Jörg is happily in love as is Mika and you figured it that love is all around... :-) There simply is no friend near me. Of course there is Jelle but it's the situation I was in when I started to change my life. It feels like only Jelle and me. The circle is round again. I guess I feel a bit lonely lately. Music then can be a good companion for a while. I know it will change again, some time. Until then, as I feel exhausted, I will flee into that wonderful world that music creates. I can feel the gentle fondle of your tunes, the happy swing of your melody, I'm dreaming away, I feel better already...

"When you need a healer for your pain
I will be there time and time again
When you need someone to love you
here I am"

Hugs to you all.

Little inadequacies

It's strange, the other day I noticed something of my personality that is kind of a contradiction. The ones reading here and having 'friend' status on flickr know that I sometimes post some photos of myself that are quite revealing. I somehow like to do that and through the "protection" of the internet (feeling anonymous, more or less) I feel secure enough to do it. I don't feel embarrassed or something. I am in control to what I post, who can see it and for how long. It's also kind of a way for me to getting used to myself and being seen by others and getting more confidence in that. But then - and that's the contradiction - I was in Madrid, visiting Dani. During the gay pride parade I took this photo of Dani and his bigbro Juan Carlos and afterwards Dani took my camera and asked me to take of my shirt too but I was much too afraid and embarrassed to do that among all those people, I felt extremely insecure at that moment and maybe even frightened. On the other hand, I regretted immediately afterwards that I never got to know the picture Dani wanted to take. What a pity.

Little inadequacies...

When we strolled through the Chueca district on one of those fine days my beloved Dani was so kind to buy me some little presents. Just a little something but still so precious to me! But I didn't show it, I didn't even thank him enough! I kind of took it for granted and it's not! It was such a lovely gesture and simply wonderful. And honestly, I feel awful I never show him how much I care for him and all the little things he does nor did I really thank him for the presents he gave me. I realized that when I saw how his bigbro Juan Carlos reacted towards him when he received a little present as well. That was so full of gratitude and love and I admired both for that. In my heart, I did the same. It's just my actions that did not match my feelings. The same happened yesterday, my friend Katja had brought a little present. A bottle of our favorite liqeur which you can only get at the Lufthansa crew shop in Frankfurt. She made the extra effort to go there especially for us. And she even remembered we like it! And though I was very happy to receive it and thanked her for it, in retrospect I think I could have shown more gratitude towards her.

Little inadequacies...

I am trying to change this. I want to show how happy I am about receiving something from my loved ones. Whether it's a postcard, a button, a cd or whatever one decides to present to me. It doesn't really matter what it is, it's simply the thought, the gesture that counts the most and which shows how much my friends and family care about and love me. To know that is what matters most to me. I will try in future to show my gratitude towards you, my beloved friends and family, more open and with more affection. I think it can't be bad to show more of my emotions, I am still much too afraid to hug and kiss you, to even only touch you. I can do it with words but not with my hands or lips. I will work on that.

Little inadequacies...

Back from Orgullo gay

Dani lifts Guido
Originally uploaded by CruisAir

Orgullo gay in Madrid was great! I spent a wonderful time with my lilbro Dani and his lovely husbear Sera. I again met many of their friends who are with no exception wonderful people! We spent some wonderful days together, I enjoyed every single second! The weather during my stay in Madrid couldn't have been any better, it was hot with a clear blue sky, really beautiful! In enjoyed seeing so many beautiful men and people in general. I had the impression that it was a real 'party' for everyone. I saw young and old people, gays and obviously not gays and that gave a very good and pleasant feeling of "being part" of the community, not just a minority. Thank you Sera and Dani once again for being so wonderful to me. When I left, it was really hard for me as I felt so pleasant and comfortable in your company, you made me so happy just by being the wonderful people you are. I owe you guys big time. I hope to see you soon again, hopefully for gay pride in Amsterdam! ;-) That would really be great, I simply miss you guys!

Visiting family

Sera y yo en el pregón
Originally uploaded by danoliverm

Before I forget again: I'm away for a few days, just as I have been the last two days too ;-) I had been to Cologne to visit my parents together with Jelle and on Friday I will work in the morning and later in the afternoon will fly to Madrid to visit my lilbro Dani and his boyfriend Sera again! Yay! I am soooooo looking forward to see them again, I miss my lilbro and it's always great to see and talk to him personally rather than being in contact electronically ;-)
The trip to Cologne was very nice. I was happy to see my parents again. Unfortunately my mother has some health problems at the moment which also prevented her from joining us on a day trip from Cologne to Papenburg to visit the Meyer yard there which was a birthday present for my dad. So we only went with my dad and my mom stayed at home. It was a great (and very hot) day though and we really enjoyed it.
Today it cooled off after quite some rain and we stayed at home and slept long and chatted, nothing spectacular. But we both - Jelle and I - enjoyed that too.
So on Friday I am going to Madrid to see Dani. Jelle unfortunately has to work again but I was lucky enough to get off. As I said I look very much forward to see my best mate again, my little brother Dani and his Sera.
I wish you all a very nice weekend and see you next week when I hope to post many new pictures to my flickr stream too.