Little inadequacies

It's strange, the other day I noticed something of my personality that is kind of a contradiction. The ones reading here and having 'friend' status on flickr know that I sometimes post some photos of myself that are quite revealing. I somehow like to do that and through the "protection" of the internet (feeling anonymous, more or less) I feel secure enough to do it. I don't feel embarrassed or something. I am in control to what I post, who can see it and for how long. It's also kind of a way for me to getting used to myself and being seen by others and getting more confidence in that. But then - and that's the contradiction - I was in Madrid, visiting Dani. During the gay pride parade I took this photo of Dani and his bigbro Juan Carlos and afterwards Dani took my camera and asked me to take of my shirt too but I was much too afraid and embarrassed to do that among all those people, I felt extremely insecure at that moment and maybe even frightened. On the other hand, I regretted immediately afterwards that I never got to know the picture Dani wanted to take. What a pity.

Little inadequacies...

When we strolled through the Chueca district on one of those fine days my beloved Dani was so kind to buy me some little presents. Just a little something but still so precious to me! But I didn't show it, I didn't even thank him enough! I kind of took it for granted and it's not! It was such a lovely gesture and simply wonderful. And honestly, I feel awful I never show him how much I care for him and all the little things he does nor did I really thank him for the presents he gave me. I realized that when I saw how his bigbro Juan Carlos reacted towards him when he received a little present as well. That was so full of gratitude and love and I admired both for that. In my heart, I did the same. It's just my actions that did not match my feelings. The same happened yesterday, my friend Katja had brought a little present. A bottle of our favorite liqeur which you can only get at the Lufthansa crew shop in Frankfurt. She made the extra effort to go there especially for us. And she even remembered we like it! And though I was very happy to receive it and thanked her for it, in retrospect I think I could have shown more gratitude towards her.

Little inadequacies...

I am trying to change this. I want to show how happy I am about receiving something from my loved ones. Whether it's a postcard, a button, a cd or whatever one decides to present to me. It doesn't really matter what it is, it's simply the thought, the gesture that counts the most and which shows how much my friends and family care about and love me. To know that is what matters most to me. I will try in future to show my gratitude towards you, my beloved friends and family, more open and with more affection. I think it can't be bad to show more of my emotions, I am still much too afraid to hug and kiss you, to even only touch you. I can do it with words but not with my hands or lips. I will work on that.

Little inadequacies...