Roller coaster.

That's how it's going with my emotions sometimes, like on a roller coaster. Up and down and a looping and up again... I felt quite stable recently and then, all of a sudden, I tear myself down today. I seem to love to pity myself, argghh... and it's so easy to let yourself go and let that feeling take control. I lack a lot of self confidence. I know that. I seem to need constant confirmation that I am nice, cute, friendly, likeable maybe... whatever. I sort of get some of that confirmation from flickr. You know, the site where people comment on your photos. When they do it feels good. I am happy. Someone notices me. If they don't, my mood gets into gear... that's how it feels. Not always, but sometimes.

I surely miss human interaction (though I have enough of that at work: I work in a service industry with daily customer contact, but that's so different from what I want of course). But there is that other problem: I consider myself a shy person. So I usually don't go out. Even if I would go out I would not dare to speak to someone I don't know. Jörg from the jayjay blog had an interesting remark lately when I told him this: people could also walk up to me and contact me. I had never thought about that possibility... that's what I mean, lack of self confidence. ;-) For me, internet is easier. I feel more confident to speak to someone. I really like a bunch of people over at flickr. But many of those fine people are far away, in America or South Africa or else in Europe. Not exactly around the door, someone close by to have a coffee with and talk. But I would so love that at times. For example: I was looking forward to this evening, I had arranged with my colleague Iris to go to the cinema. But she had to reschedule and we now planned to go on thursday. She had to cancel that as well, poor Iris is nursing her ill kids at home, so it's simply bad luck. We will find another date as soon as possible. It's not a problem. I now plan to go to the cinema alone on thursday, maybe with Jelle if he wants to. I need to be more independent and make myself not too dependent of other people.

Anyway, once I have found someone I trust, like, maybe even get to love I can get possessive. I try to claim that poor person. I must not do that. It has the opposite effect of what I want, it sure must feel repulsive to them. I am sorry to my friends (the very few I have) if I act that way. I must realize I am not the only person in their life. It's perfectly fine, I am simply one of many. As Dani said, they simply cannot be around just for me all the time. Everyone has his own life with problems, feelings, friends, lovers. He is of course right. Again, I should not make myself too dependent of others.

The most important thing though is not allow myself all the time to tear myself down. I need to fight that feeling right in the beginning. Before it gets too strong. I now feel better again for two reasons, because I received a confirmation of care and therefore I can fight again. It's so simple with me, I'm such a simple guy... but: I still make myself too dependent on those confirmations. I need to be able to do without them for a longer period. I believe that no one can do without.

Gosh, this all probably does not really make sense to anyone else other than myself. But it doesn't matter, for now I only write for myself and I feel it helps. For now.

A tender hug to you.