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Having friends, having faith.
Sometimes I don't have much to tell, because I feel absolutely great. That's good of course but it is boring in a blog... ;-)
So what have I done lately? After I went to Berlin with Dani we had our american friends Daniel and David visiting which was great. There was the Eurovision evening at Timo's where I met Mika for the first time personally which was a great pleasure. I enjoyed that a lot, even Jelle went with me. I managed to watch Hairspray recently together with Jörg who visited me so we could watch it together. That was a really pleasant and funny afternoon with a lot of laughing! Dani had recommended and given the movie to me and Jörg, Jelle and I felt like the last gays to finally watch it. ;-) On Jelle's unspectacular birthday we went to a concert at Carré (my first visit there) and we saw a pretty good performance of Gilbert OSullivan. Then Dani and Sera visited us in a weekend and we had a fun time with visiting Trijntje Oosterhuis in concert in Carré and enjoying a very special dinner at an arabian themed restaurant where we lay down for eating, very special. Thanks to Dani and Sera for inviting us for it, it was fabulous, Jelle and I truly enjoyed it, most of all because it was in your company!
You know why I feel great? Because I have great friends. Because I am happy the way my life is developing at the moment. After a very long period of self chosen social "isolation" I now enjoy being in contact with my newly made friends. Jelle is also slowly opening up and I like to see that as well. It sometimes even feels very tiring, being constantly busy and not really having time for yourself. So I am two days off now and I enjoy having nothing planned.
On the other hand, I miss when I don't get emails, no news on facebook, no comments on my photos by anyone. I love the attention of any kind. I need to have confirmations. It's probably a thing of insecurity that's still buried deep inside me.
Most of the friends I have are still virtual friends. Though I have met some of them personally now. I am very fortunate to have met you very special, very great guys I must say!
I have met Jörg a while ago and even though we don't see each other too often or chat very often I feel very connected to him. Every time we meet it feels like we pick up the lines where we last left them.
Physically, Timo is the closest of my friends as he lives also in Amsterdam. I am very pleased we became very good friends. I like his easiness, we can spontaneously decide to have a coffee after work or do other things. We chat and mail very often and do see each other frequently. Okay, maybe this sounds pretty normal to you, but to me it's a big change in my life as for years I did not have this. Therefore I enjoy it and I am happy it's with Timo.
Don't get me wrong, I don't believe in judging people and friendships in grades of quality. So if I say something about them here it more reflects the intensity I know, speak and see them rather than the quality of our friendship. I treasure all the friends and friendships I have, each are individual and every single one is important to me.
When I was pretty down a few months ago I met Dani and he stands by my side ever since. He is the greatest of all friends and I cannot praise his beauty much enough - he has a pure heart of gold, shares his love with his friends and is the most generous and kind person! There's so much to say about Dani, how funny, how smart, how great he is! Every time I think about it I cannot really believe I am so fortunate to have met him. Though the term "friend" does not really suit the importance he has for me. He truly became my little brother and I feel honoured and privileged he allows me to call him that and that I am his bigbro. You all might get pretty tired of me talking about lilbro but this is simply an indication of how important he is to me. But just place yourself in my position and you will understand. There is something Dani does that builds up my self confidence. He makes me feel safe and protected. I can notice on myself that it happens much less often that I feel down and insecure. Luckily, Dani became part of my daily life. He and also his friend Sera grew close to my heart in no time. They are very dear to me and the only thing I really miss about us is seeing them more often. But considering the physical distance between us we still see each other quite frequently and I am pretty happy about that. I trust Dani. I can tell Dani anything, anytime. He understands me like no other and he always knows a "cure" to my problems. But I say these things here because it's difficult for me to tell someone directly. I know Dani usually reads here so this is a way for me to tell him how grateful I am, how precious he is and what wonderful things he does to me. Thank you Dani.
I truly consider myself lucky and happy. Because I have everything in life. I have a friend who is with me since more than ten years. Who stands by me even though I was confused about my feelings, who bravely accepts my attention shifting sometimes more to my friends, sometimes back to him. He accepts my search for the right balance. He is my friend who loves me. And deep inside I know I love him too. Even though I don't show that very often to him lately. But I think he understands somehow. His understanding helps me a lot. Thank you Jelle for being there for me, for loving me, for accepting all the stupid things I may do. I do love you too.
I also have a job which is pretty okay and which luckily permits me to easily see my friends and family who are not close by more often than I could normally see them. I am healthy, I don't have to starve, I can even permit a little luxury compared to many other people on this planet. And of course I am blessed with my friends, very special ones. What else could I ask for? So the little inadequacies that run through my life constantly, like an underlying theme, are small and negligible. And if they occur, there is someone there to help me - because I have friends, because I have faith.
