Nice music.

On another blog I found this video,  I liked the music too! ;-)

David Guetta - Delirious.

Good vibes.

Malú had a free concert this evening in Madrid and from what I heard it sounded like one big and happy party! I noticed regularly now (though I haven't made it personally to one of the concerts yet) that those concerts in Spain are often one big party, everybody happily singing along! It must be such an amazing mood, good vibes. I wonder if this is custom in other contries during concerts too? I'm not such a concert go-er so I can't really tell if that's a spanish phenomena or a typical thing for concerts nowadays...?

Thanks for sharing it tonight, I loved it lilbro! The vibes sounded great and I simply loved to hear you all singing along! Woaah, so great, I truly LOVED it Dani, you're a champ!!! :-D

P.S.: this is my favorite Malú song, it's such a great song and the video is fantastic.

P.P.S.: I am happy.

P.P.P.S.: I really am. :-)

Sex and the City

Woah, what a movie! I was very much surprised of the latest movie I saw: Sex and the City! Yesterday I went to see it (Jelle had decided not to join us this time) together with Timo and I (and also Timo) was positively surprised, it was much much better than we expected it to be! I really enjoyed myself, I laughed, it touched me - in short it had all the ingredients for a fun and entertaining movie! Even though it was quite long (2.5 hrs) I didn't think it was too long. I enjoyed every second! The witty humor of the ladies, the gorgeous pictures, the men... all was enjoyable and much better than I had expected. I mean, it's still not an oscar winning movie but it was perfect entertainment and it truly delivered that! Even though I didn't follow every episode of the series on tv (in fact, not much) I loved the movie and thought it was entertaining even to the non die-hard fan like me. So if you get a chance and want a nice evening of perfect fun entertainment go see "Sex and the City", I can really recommend it.

Work rant.

Normally I don't tell much about my work. Today I will tell a little bit of what happened this week, things that stood out from the 'usual' and normally boring stuff. 

On Wednesday, I worked with my colleague Iris again. I had looked forward to it because she had been on vacation and was away for almost four weeks so there was quite some chatting to be done to catch up with each others. When I went to the airport together with Jelle (we started the same time that day) I remember saying to him I hoped for a 'normal' day because usually when I work with Iris there is 'shit' happening during our shift... And as if I knew it indeed it was to be a terrible day...

It all started with a flight to Vienna. The originally planned aircraft (an Airbus 319) had a technical defect and they did not have an equivalent plane to replace it but only a much smaller one, resulting in an extreme overbooking of the flight. My colleagues from the day shift already prepared everything and most people only flying to Vienna were rebooked to a later flight that evening, about three hours later. As per the new EU passenger rights this is considered force majeur and passengers are not entitled to financial compensations. Quite a few passengers were not very happy being 'bumped' from their original flight to the later one, understandably. Today I even heard from Jelle that due to bad weather in Vienna the later flight even had to devert to Bratislava and the aircraft finally arrived in Vienna at 01.30 at night! Terrible, isn't it? But that wasn't the worst part for us, Iris and me: they cancelled our own last flight to Frankfurt due to bad weather in Germany. Quickly, the lines in front of our counter formed and there was no thinking of chatting anymore... haha... on top of that, all our flights to Munich were delayed because of... yeah, you guessed it, bad weather. And finally, as if that wasn't enough they cancelled yet another flight, the last one to Hamburg. The aircraft was still in Madrid (hola Dani!) when it was supposed to be in Amsterdam already... The problem for us was that we did not have much alternatives because the competing airline was almost fully booked. But somehow we managed to rebook many passengers and in the end only few people had to go to a hotel and travel the next morning. But this all took very long and Iris and I as the only people on duty at the ticket counter were working nonstop, no pee-break, no break at all actually, hungry and thirsty and of course some complaining passengers. One female passenger was really pushing our adrenalin to the limit as she kept on complaining in the queue for at least an hour implying we were stupid and not capable of handling the situation, inefficient and so on... when she was finally helped by Iris she rushed away to get the alternative flight only to come back later and saying she could not get to the flight because she did not have a boarding pass - well lady, you should have listened that you had to check in before to get one... so who's the stupid one here? You can imagine that we had an inner laugh when we had to book that 'smart' woman into a hotel for the night... sigh...

Yesterday we had an internal meeting (the last for my feeling was at least a year ago or so...) and we spoke about some procedural things and changes and stuff. Finally, we also managed to speak about our new counter. We said, nicely, that the chairs at the counter are too low for the new, ergonomically incorrect because too high counter. Our boss replied they knew about it and were in discussion with the airport. From the airport we know that they refuse to give us new chairs. They simply don't care. That made me mad so I said to the boss that I would expect from my employer that he would take care of that, arrange new chairs so his employees are taken good care of and would arrange refund of the costs afterwards with the airport, in whatever way. I said the way it was handled now is simply on the backs of his employees and I can't understand why it is our problem. I would have hoped he as boss was interested in the health and well being of his employees. You could feel that he felt attacked and did not like at all that I was complaining and sure enough he said he was not going to spend money on new chairs because he thinks it's the responsibility of the airport (true, but it's not our problem either and it can't be that we have to wait for ages for a solution). These are all multi billion euro companies and surely they can afford to spend the little money for such things (as they are all making huge earnings) but they clearly prefer to fight it out between each other and on our backs just to save a few bucks... it's so sad and really makes me mad.

I guess this is something most of us experience in their daily work life, I'm sure there's not much difference nowadays. On top of it all, we don't have a work council at the moment because they resigned frustrated months ago and not many people want to engage in a new one... but legally, we are obliged to have one because of our size. I am really curious to see what happens. I already encouraged my colleague Sumita to be a candidate for it. I hope I can convince her. 

Okay, that's all about work. That feels good. I could get rid of it. :-)

On a positive side note I can tell that I am going to see "Sex and the City" tonight, together with Timo and Jelle. I look forward to it. In a few days the pre-premiers of "Mamma Mia!" will also start, on the 9th of July in Amsterdam obviously. I can't wait to see it either, yay!!!

This morning I got myself into a very good and happy and positive mood by watching the Hairspray blu-ray that I got from lilbro! "Good Morning Baltimore" and "You can't stop the beat" are so happy and positive, it's so much fun to listen and sing to it!!!

I hope you all have a great weekend, I don't have plans for it as I have to work. Enjoy everybody! Many hugs to you all.

Just a little "Thank you" note.

Thank you so much Dani!
Originally uploaded by CruisAir

This is just a little "Thank you" note for my lilbro Dani. It's unbelievable, but Dani never seizes to amaze me! He is such a sweet, wonderful and generous man (besides his other great qualities), always making people happy! Yesterday I received a small package and what had Dani done? He had sent me a blu-ray which I mentioned recently to him - Hairspray! I am always happy to receive something but even more when it's from my beloved lilbro Dani!
As you can see, I was pretty excited and surprised about it and most of all VERY HAPPY! Once again, thank you so much Dani! Tons of kisses and hugs for you and Sera of course!
Awww... I just miss him so much but to know he thinks of his bigbro makes me very happy and makes up for the times we don't talk with and see each other. :-D
And yes, I do realize how fortunate and blessed I am to have such a wonderful and great friend.

Behind the scenes of the (gay) stars

Are you interested in all the hustle and bustle of the gay stars and what and how it works behind the scenes of the GLAAD awards? Our friends Daniel and David were featured in an article recently in Palm Springs' gay magazine about all this. So if you are into movies and stars with a gay twist, have a read:

Behind the scenes - Welcome to Bottom Line Magazine Palm Springs

The article tells a little about their work for this year's GLAAD media awards show and when they visited us end of May here in Amsterdam it was funny to hear some stories up close and personal (a little more detailed than in the article). But despite the lack of "juicy" stars details the article is definitely an interesting read.

A hug,
Guido

Mar Adentro's Music

After I watched the fantastic spanish movie "Mar Adentro" (the sea inside) I would like to draw your attention to the beautiful music that is part of the movie as well. Here is the end titles theme by Carlos Núñez, "Titulos Finales" - it's really fantastic beautiful music and can be downloaded on iTunes (which I did). I simply love it and the concert performance you can see in this video is simply amazing, just as fantastic as the original recording!

An achievement for everybody's freedom.

I like what I just read in another blog post about a commentary that Spain's prime minister gave on the issue of gay marriage now allowed in California: 'It's an achievement for everybody's freedom, not just a part of society'. I fully agree with that and admire the spanish in general for already having achieved a lot and much more than other countries when it comes to gay rights - and naturally I applaud the Californians to move along in the same direction.

On a personal side note here's a link to read about Jelle's and my friends Daniel and David who tried to make use of their new rights... only that they 'forgot' that they are already married in Canada. To me - and I think most europeans - it only seems 'natural' that once you're married somewhere you simply can't do it again somewhere else... ;-)

It's a strange feeling.

This is something new for me. 

Since a few months Jelle and I had decided to open our relationship. We both felt not happy and thought one of the things we can try to become happy again in our relation is to open it up. So we can both experiment and enjoy other sexual encounters. Not that this is the most important thing in a relationship, but it sure is part of it.

In all those months I only made use of my sexual freedom only once, more or less. There haven't been tons of mens hushing through my bed... I still wonder if that's something I miss? I never have been the 'one-night-stand' guy though I had them before but it never really fulfilled me or really deeply satisfied me. In my former relationship with Klaus it became one of the things that made me part from him, the fact that he who was older had much more sexual experiences than I had (but it wasn't the main reason). I felt and actually I still do feel very unexperienced. I caught up a little on my sexual experience after the relation with Klaus but it wasn't much that happened, especially compared to others. I do remember my friend Lutz who kept records of all the men he slept with (which I thought was so weird...) and while I was kind of disgusted I was at the same time fascinated. I am just as fascinated about someone I feel very close to who is about thirteen years younger yet it feels to me he is so much more experienced. Again, I do wonder if that is part of what I miss, what I look for, what I want? Should I really try to catch up with him, Lutz and others? Do I become happier then? Does it make me more satisfied, will I become more relaxed? I still wonder if it is possible to have a what someone called 'concubear' in a recent discussion I had with some people. Meaning to have a friend with whom you also can have intimacy besides your 'normal' relationship. While my lilbro thinks it's not possible, it's either a friend or sex partner but not both plus a relation, the others I discussed this with said they had such a thing and claimed it works. I still think about it a lot and really wonder if it can work, work for me? 

But what strikes me the most today is what happened yesterday: Jelle went to see the soccer match of the dutch team (they lost, by the way), together with Timo. I stayed at home, I am not into soccer though I had the tv on in the background to stay updated of how it would go. After the match finished I decided to watch Desperate Housewives. I found that our cable provider is offering the first season for free watching so I started from scratch and looked the first three episodes. When I finally went to bed, it was almost 03.00 am. But Jelle had not come home yet. I normally never go to bed when he hasn't come home, I'm always a bit worried. But I did yesterday, I actually expected him to come home soon and thought I would probably hear him. But it felt strange. I fell asleep immediately and when I woke up again it was 09.00 am this morning. I turned and noticed no one was in my bed next to me. That was strange! I got up and went looking in the living room, but no one there. Even more strange! Jelle regularly falls asleep in his chair in front of the tv but not this time, he didn't come home last night obviously. It felt weird and it's an experience I never had before, especially because he hadn't even informed me about it. So I checked my mobile and sure enough it wasn't connected to the network. After I fixed that I received an SMS - from Jelle from last night. He said that it had become late and he would sleep at Timo's! Again, I thought it strange as that's not typical for Jelle and second he could have taken a night bus to get home.

So, this is some new emotion for me, something I haven't experienced so far. I am not jealous but I still wonder what has happened last night. Well, maybe I am a bit jealous, yeah. But it feels really weird, it's now almost 12.30pm and I still haven't heard anything. I of course have been away several times now but then Jelle knew I would be away and with whom and for how long. He even knew there was no sexual thing happening. But so far I have never stayed away from home without telling beforehand. As I said, it feels very strange. I am curious to hear the story, what happened, what they did... So I guess that 'open relationship' thing is not that easy, not as simple as it seems, huh? Well, I keep on learning, keep on trying to be open. But still, it's a strange feeling.

P.S.: I wish I could speak to someone about it. But I can't. That's why I share it with you all. In moments like these I really feel lonely, even though I know you are out there. Then again, that helps. ;-)

*** Update ***

Now, at 15.00 I received an SMS that they just got up and slept until now... Wow, must have been something wild yesterday... haha - and Jelle has a terrible hangover he messaged...

*** Update 2 ***

It's now 21.11 and Jelle is still not home, nor have I heard anything from him. While this of course is not a problem in itself I do feel sad... I watched a movie that made me very sad (Mar Adentro) and I feel very lonely, abandoned. Maybe that's a lesson for me to learn. To pay more attention to Jelle's feelings too. I am very selfishly busy, thinking all of the time about me and how I want to change things in my life. I do not consider others around me. Obviously, that's something I must not forget. After all, I do care for him, my family but also my little brother, my friends. I wish I could hug someone now...

Oh well, I should not be too dramatic. I just watched the movie and I'm still emotionally touched but writing here now helps relief that emotional tension. It's getting better by every word... god, I guess I'm a real drama queen? ;-)

Te amaré.

I simply love this version of Te amaré of Miguel Bosé and Laura Pausini. Their voices fit perfectly together and it's such a wonderful and beautiful song. Besides, I love Laura Pausini and especially Miguel Bosé who is not only a fantastic singer but also a good looking man. ;-)

The lyrics that my lilbro has kindly translated for me a while ago are wonderful. This is a song that really touches me, in every aspect.

So gay...

This is really a funny commercial - I love it, it has all in it I like: airlines, men, bears, it's gay and funny... enjoy!

Silverjet Airlines commercial

I'm in an airline mood this evening obviously and felt I need to share this with you ;-) - CruisAir
Verzonden door CruisAir met de knop Delen van Google

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New Silverjet airlines ad silverjet airlines commercial advertising new services....LOL!

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U kunt het volgende doen:

Alles weergeven wat CruisAir met iedereen heeft gedeeld

Alles weergeven wat gedeeld wordt door mensen die u kent

Meer informatie over de knop Delen van Google

Virgin Airlines Commercial

It's a classic, I know but still I like it and for those of you who do not know it so far: enjoy ;-) - CruisAir
Verzonden door CruisAir met de knop Delen van Google

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Best Airline Commercial Virgin Airlines Commercial

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U kunt het volgende doen:

Alles weergeven wat CruisAir met iedereen heeft gedeeld

Alles weergeven wat gedeeld wordt door mensen die u kent

Meer informatie over de knop Delen van Google

The most wonderful place on earth.

Last weekend I had the great pleasure of accompanying my beloved lilbro Dani to his favorite retreat in Galicia, Sanxenxo. This time, Dani's wonderful boyfriend Sera sadly could not be with him for family matters at his village and my beloved Jelle could also not join us because he could not get off from work so Dani and I went alone.

Luckily, after a morning shift at Schiphol I was able to get a seat on the afternoon flight of Iberia to Madrid where I wanted to try to get on the first of the three evening flights to Santiago de Compostela. I knew that all the flights were heavily booked (some even overbooked) and it looked not that good. So I was a little nervous when I arrived at Madrid. Unfortunately, after a lengthy wait it turned out there was no place for me on the first flight to SCQ. I then went to the transfer desk where they put me on the next one at 21.35. After calling with my hubby Jelle at home to get his advice what to try next I decided to try to get on the flight to Vigo but also that did not turn successful.

So I waited patiently for the 21.35 departure to Santiago. When the gate agent of that flight arrived I was a bit "shocked" and saw my chances rapidly declining: he looked like a slightly modernized version of Jesus, had heavy dark rings under his eyes and did not look to friendly and inviting. But then I pulled myself together and thought "I must not judge from the outside, he sure is very nice and capable". So I started thinking positive ;-) Then, he started to accept staff from the waiting list and all of a sudden he took my boarding pass, scribbled a seat number on it and returned it to me by kindly saying "Sitz Nummer Fünf F" - I was totally puzzled that he took the effort to address me in german and felt confirmed that I must never judge only from the outside! In the end, after all, he was really nice and got me on the flight, YAY!I called poor Dani who after a six hour long car ride from Madrid would now pick me up at the airport in Santiago from where we would drive together to our 'home' for the next three nights.

I was so happy to see him again when I arrived. I always miss him and seeing and experiencing Dani in person and live is such an enrichment to 'only' chatting with him, naturally it adds a whole other dimension.

We went to our temporary home near Sanxenxo and when we arrived it was beautiful to see how happy our hosts were to see Dani again! It looked as if the lost son returned home and Isabel and Rubio were so welcoming and affectionate and extended that feeling immediately to me and I felt like I knew them for years already! Wow, I was stunned, I have never experienced that before. Though it already was late at night we were treated to a fabulous dinner and of course they needed to catch up with Dani and I was fortunate enough to witness all their chitter and chatter. ;-)

The next morning after having a breakfast at Isabel's kitchen Dani took me to a beautiful place, a beach in San Vicente do Mar. It was a gorgeous and sunny day and the place to me looked like paradise! I couldn't believe what beauty I saw, crystal clear blue waters, white and empty sand beaches and luscious greens, wow! I felt reminded (though not necessarily by the similarity in beauty but the tranquility of the place) of Jelle's and my favorite small retreat, Malta. We walked along the coast for a while and on the return to the car we made a short stop at small café to drink something.

Again I was astonished, this time to see that while we only ordered two cokes we also received some generous tapas with them, something I could not imagine ever happen in Amsterdam (especially not for that price!!!). Before returning back home to Isabel's house he also took me to the site of the famous Spa that is situated at La Toja where I had the chance to buy some wonderful soap and eau de Cologne at the factory shop. I now have a wonderful reminder of my beautiful trip every time I wash my hands or put on the Cologne in the morning - how's that for a change, a splash of Spain every morning brings very fond memories!

In the afternoon, we had lunch at Isabel again. This weekend had a special 'surprise' for Dani: he would see his friend Jorge again, Isabel's son. They had become friends many years ago but their friendship somehow ended in a "no-speaking" state about two years ago. While Dani had made efforts to restore their friendship it was never ment to be. But fate had decided else this weekend and Dani and Jorge finally spoke to each other again! Jorge was visiting his parents together with his boyfriend Fernando. We all met before lunch and Dani and he got involved in talks and finally we decided to all make a trip to Sanxenxo and have a walk.

We spent all afternoon together and Dani and Jorge talked a lot. Of course I was only mostly listening to their talk (as was Fernando) as I don't speak spanish and could not actively participate. For my part I did not mind at all as I was happy to listen to the wonderful language and the conversation, picking up small things and thereby learning. I felt somehow happy for Dani that something for him ended that he felt wasn't really finished before. I was maybe witnessing the start or the rediscovery of their friendship. Dani explains his impressions and feelings about it in his own blog. It turned out that Dani felt that the Jorge he spoke to was not the one he had left a few years ago. They still shared some interests and passions but he was now talking to a new Jorge and it remains to be seen if their friendship will blossom again. But that weekend, a good start was made as far as I can tell! I liked the Jorge I met. Also on sunday morning we all went together to have a pre-lunch drink and later lunched together at Isabel and Rubio's who had prepared a generous, gigantic and tasty lunch. I truly felt like part of the family, even though being the 'stranger' in the group of people (also Jorge's sister and her husband with baby and grandma were joining us for the lunch).

Saturday afternoon, while Jorge and Fernando stayed at a beach bar meeting with some other friends, Dani took me to his favorite beach. It was early into the evening and the sun was setting on the horizon but unfortunately mostly covered by clouds. This place means a lot to Dani and he was very emotional. He missed Sera a lot. Even having a bigbro by your side cannot be a replacement in those moments... - it doesn't even come close, naturally!

On sunday afternoon, Dani and I took a long and nice walk on a deserted beach. It was a bit rainy and foggy. But still, this was pure beauty to me, the wide emptiness and loneliness, the solitude that I felt at that moment was a sensational feeling! I truly enjoyed being able to experience this with my lilbro. I felt very privileged being able to share these moments with Dani. I was very emotional anyway that afternoon. Many things went through my head and at moments and places like these you tend to think about a lot of things. When in the car Dani played a song by Leona Lewis he had dedicated to me a few weeks before. I had to cry when I heard it because it means so much to me. It made me happy and I expressed my emotion in some tears. I treasure those moments deep in my heart and mind.

On monday parting was hard for me. I had such a wonderful weekend that I did not really want to leave. Isabel and Rubio have been so hospitable and as always when I am together with Dani I had a great time with my beloved lilbro. Naturally, I did not want to leave. Especially since I do not really know when I will see him again (of course there are plans but you never know how they turn out). After all, Dani has a life besides me and Jelle and he is luckily devoted to and heavily and happily in love with Sera. ;-) So our encounters will have to fit into their future schedules and I'm sure they'll find one or the other slot for us in future... :-) I simply can't wait for the next one. Dani dropped me in the afternoon on his return to Madrid at Vigo airport from where I took a plane to Paris and on to Amsterdam. Those flights went perfect with no problems at all and I arrived about one and a half hours later at home in Amsterdam than Dani in Madrid. Even though we both were tired (Dani even more as he did all the driving) and have probably gained weight I felt very pleased to have spent these few and great days in wonderful Spain in the awesome company of my lilbro Dani.
Beloved lilbro, thank you so much for inviting me to Sanxenxo, it was an amazing experience. I feel very privileged that you showed and shared with me your most wonderful place on earth. I now know this place too and start to understand the magic it bears.

I truly enjoyed all we did, I am happy and extremely thankful and proud for having you as my lilbro!

When I learned one thing this weekend than it's the discovery that no matter where and when you are but with whom you are which makes every place the most wonderful place on earth. That said, my little world turns richer and richer of beautiful places as I discover them with my friends and family, the ones I love.

As I told you, you are the greatest friend and best little brother in the world!

My first record.

My little brother Dani took inspiration from one of his blogger friends to create a fictitious record cover. I think this is a fun thing to do, does not take much time to do yet is lots of fun! I have seen this appear on flickr as well but never had taken the opportunity so far to take part. 

So today I took the chance and followed the rules that are according to Dani's post as follows:

1. Go to this page: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random. A Wikipedia article at random. The title of the article appearing will be the name of your group.
2. Now go to this other page:http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3. The last four words of the last quotation is the title of your first album.
3. The last page to see:http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/. The third photo, no matter whatever, is the cover of your album.

So today I proudly introduce to you: the "Harry Huts" and their first album with the title "will show temselves great."

LOL, that was fun to do! :-D

Thanks Dani and your predecessor(s) for the funny inspiration, I loved that!

P.S.: the original photo can be found here and is copyrighted by its respective owner.

I'm back.

I'm back.
Originally uploaded by CruisAir

Okay, so I'm back. It was great!!! Dani showed me beautiful gorgeous places and I'd love to go back immediately! The time with my little brother was the best I can imagine! He simply is the greatest!!! Thank you Dani, lilbro, for sharing this with me, I feel very privileged!

I will post a more detailed report about this soon. Stay tuned and don't zap... ;-)
During the next days I will also show a few more pictures from the trip on my flickr account.

Hugs to everyone.

I'm away!

I'm away!
Originally uploaded by CruisAir

Folks, I'm away for a few days to see my lilbro Dani in Spain and will be back online on tuesday at the latest. Have fun in the meantime and most of all a great, relaxing, joyful weekend! In any case, I will :-)

Many hugs,
Guido

P.S.: For those of you who are curious to know where I'm going to: the photo contains tons of hints on where I'm going and how... check it on flickr for the corresponding tags (which make it easier) ;-)

P.P.S.: Oh for those who wonder: yes, hubby stays at home. Someone has to earn the money for my pleasures, after all :-P

(no, it just shows what a wonderful man he is, so generous and kind, thanks so much Jelle! Mwahh!!!)

B.I.L.F.

Haircut
Originally uploaded by CruisAir

God, now what do I need to think about this? I seem to be a B.I.L.F. according to someone on flickr. He wants me to add this photo of me to the group he set up. Now I'm not sure whether I should be honoured or not and whether to add the photo or not... ;-)
I didn't even know I'm a bear, not to think I'm one you'd like to ...ehm... play hide and seek with... :-P

Start the love, again.

Okay. This is something new to my blog. I removed a post from my blog for the first time as I mentioned in the previous post. Not because I needed to but because it wasn't really finished. I should have thought more and longer about things I wrote before publishing it. Now I think I did and I rewrote the post and published it again.

Let me first of all tell you that I feel excellent. Even better than yesterday that I posted it for the first time. The reason for me to post this is simple. I want to talk about something that's one of my characteristics. Arguably not my best, but it's part of me. It's about being insecure and fear.

You see, yesterday I mentioned my jealousy. Being jealous about someone. I focused that jealousy on one certain person. That was because I somehow concentrated all my insecureness and jealousy, my fears, everything that's bothering me into that one single person. Which of course is neither doing him justice nor is it what my feelings are all about. 

Superficially looking at it, sure there is my jealousy towards the other person. Suddenly I felt I have a "competitor" next to me, another "brother". I was jealously watching him. For what reason? Fear. Being insecure. I had never before felt such a deep and satisfying friendship to someone than I have with Dani. It means the world to me. So someone suddenly appearing next to me, being a bro' too felt like the ultimate thread to me, like loosing what I had looked for so long and finally found in Dani. Like Dani said, it felt like he's stealing Dani away from me. In the beginning, I did not understand the difference. I did not see there is no reason for it. I wasblinded by my own jealousy. The worst thing happened to me what jealousy always does, it makes you blind for the real important and beautiful thing there is in life: love. In the beginning I did not see all the love my little brother is constantly giving me. Meanwhile I know, I see it with my heart and eyes, I hear it with my ears and I can feel it with all my senses. 

But was that really all? Was it all about loosing my beloved lilbro? There is more to it of course. It is my general problem of being insecure, feeling that fear of loosing something I dearly treasure. I develop a similar, yet less intense jealousy, towards others too. I have a similar feeling of insecureness, of loosing a friend, of not being worthy someone's friendship with my other friends as well. The feeling of jealousy why I am not invited for something is also present. Or when I am excluded from a common activity with other friends that I thought I belong to as well. Of course it makes no sense. It doesn't mean anything at all. My friends have their own lives of which they sometimes let me be part of. But if not, it does not mean I'm not a friend anymore. I know that but still I developed these feelings that bothered me regularly. But my friendship to my other friends is different than my relation with my lilbro. So I develop a different kind of fear and jealousy but they all come from one source: the fear of loosing what I found and like. But I usually don't show or at least try to avoid showing it to my friends. Towards Dani I am open. I tell him everything. Towards the others I tend to be more closed. So I guess I focused all my fears in the end into one person. If it wouldn't have been him, it would have been someone else probably.

Don't get me wrong. I am not sitting in a dark corner of my home and pity myself all day long. It's kind of a numb feeling, something that's nagging on my mind in the background. Luckily I have spoken about it here and I also spoke about part of it to Dani. The combination of both helps me a lot. Especially the talk with Dani was amazing. Dani, it felt like you were taking a giant rock of me. You relieved me, just like that. By finding the right words. I feel extremely free. Yeah, that's a good expression, I feel free. There is no feeling of jealousy anymore. 

Now that I talked about it I feel more capable to reflect my own feelings. To realize where they come from and how I can avoid them. I know there is no reason for them. I should read back here if there is a next time...

 

What concerns this one person: I don't feel the urge anymore to follow him. To "compete" with him. I will most certainly come across him regularly and I don't even avoid him. But all that's triggered by jealousy is something I will leave behind now because I know better now. I can see again, with my heart. Making new friends is what matters to me. I don't really know whether that will ever happen between him and me. The important thing for me is to see again, with my heart. So for that reason I can now say to him: "Hi Finnegan, how are you? Care for a new friend?"

Starting the love, again. This time better, I think.

Removal.

Thinking again about my last post and having spoken to Dani I decided to remove it. But not because he said so but because I think it's the right thing to do. The post was like making a big fuss about nothing. It's not worth bothering anybody with it. So simply consider it not written. 

Having friends, having faith.

Sometimes I don't have much to tell, because I feel absolutely great. That's good of course but it is boring in a blog... ;-)

So what have I done lately? After I went to Berlin with Dani we had our american friends Daniel and David visiting which was great. There was the Eurovision evening at Timo's where I met Mika for the first time personally which was a great pleasure. I enjoyed that a lot, even Jelle went with me. I managed to watch Hairspray recently together with Jörg who visited me so we could watch it together. That was a really pleasant and funny afternoon with a lot of laughing! Dani had recommended and given the movie to me and Jörg, Jelle and I felt like the last gays to finally watch it. ;-) On Jelle's unspectacular birthday we went to a concert at Carré (my first visit there) and we saw a pretty good performance of Gilbert OSullivan. Then Dani and Sera visited us in a weekend and we had a fun time with visiting Trijntje Oosterhuis in concert in Carré and enjoying a very special dinner at an arabian themed restaurant where we lay down for eating, very special. Thanks to Dani and Sera for inviting us for it, it was fabulous, Jelle and I truly enjoyed it, most of all because it was in your company! 

You know why I feel great? Because I have great friends. Because I am happy the way my life is developing at the moment. After a very long period of self chosen social "isolation" I now enjoy being in contact with my newly made friends. Jelle is also slowly opening up and I like to see that as well. It sometimes even feels very tiring, being constantly busy and not really having time for yourself. So I am two days off now and I enjoy having nothing planned.

On the other hand, I miss when I don't get emails, no news on facebook, no comments on my photos by anyone. I love the attention of any kind. I need to have confirmations. It's probably a thing of insecurity that's still buried deep inside me.

Most of the friends I have are still virtual friends. Though I have met some of them personally now. I am very fortunate to have met you very special, very great guys I must say!

I have met Jörg a while ago and even though we don't see each other too often or chat very often I feel very connected to him. Every time we meet it feels like we pick up the lines where we last left them. 

Physically, Timo is the closest of my friends as he lives also in Amsterdam. I am very pleased we became very good friends. I like his easiness, we can spontaneously decide to have a coffee after work or do other things. We chat and mail very often and do see each other frequently. Okay, maybe this sounds pretty normal to you, but to me it's a big change in my life as for years I did not have this. Therefore I enjoy it and I am happy it's with Timo. 

Don't get me wrong, I don't believe in judging people and friendships in grades of quality. So if I say something about them here it more reflects the intensity I know, speak and see them rather than the quality of our friendship. I treasure all the friends and friendships I have, each are individual and every single one is important to me. 

When I was pretty down a few months ago I met Dani and he stands by my side ever since. He is the greatest of all friends and I cannot praise his beauty much enough - he has a pure heart of gold, shares his love with his friends and is the most generous and kind person! There's so much to say about Dani, how funny, how smart, how great he is! Every time I think about it I cannot really believe I am so fortunate to have met him. Though the term "friend" does not really suit the importance he has for me. He truly became my little brother and I feel honoured and privileged he allows me to call him that and that I am his bigbro. You all might get pretty tired of me talking about lilbro but this is simply an indication of how important he is to me. But just place yourself in my position and you will understand. There is something Dani does that builds up my self confidence. He makes me feel safe and protected. I can notice on myself that it happens much less often that I feel down and insecure. Luckily, Dani became part of my daily life. He and also his friend Sera grew close to my heart in no time. They are very dear to me and the only thing I really miss about us is seeing them more often. But considering the physical distance between us we still see each other quite frequently and I am pretty happy about that. I trust Dani. I can tell Dani anything, anytime. He understands me like no other and he always knows a "cure" to my problems. But I say these things here because it's difficult for me to tell someone directly. I know Dani usually reads here so this is a way for me to tell him how grateful I am, how precious he is and what wonderful things he does to me. Thank you Dani.

I truly consider myself lucky and happy. Because I have everything in life. I have a friend who is with me since more than ten years. Who stands by me even though I was confused about my feelings, who bravely accepts my attention shifting sometimes more to my friends, sometimes back to him. He accepts my search for the right balance. He is my friend who loves me. And deep inside I know I love him too. Even though I don't show that very often to him lately. But I think he understands somehow. His understanding helps me a lot. Thank you Jelle for being there for me, for loving me, for accepting all the stupid things I may do. I do love you too. 

I also have a job which is pretty okay and which luckily permits me to easily see my friends and family who are not close by more often than I could normally see them. I am healthy, I don't have to starve, I can even permit a little luxury compared to many other people on this planet. And of course I am blessed with my friends, very special ones. What else could I ask for? So the little inadequacies that run through my life constantly, like an underlying theme, are small and negligible. And if they occur, there is someone there to help me - because I have friends, because I have faith.

Howl's Moving Castle

Howl's Moving Castle
Originally uploaded by CruisAir

It took me quite some time but today was the perfect day for me to finally watch what turned out to be a wonderful movie: "Howl's Moving Castle" by Hayao Miyazaki.

Already a while ago my beloved little brother has given me the DVD of this amazing movie which to that point I didn't know, neither did I know the director nor the producing studio. That changed meanwhile as Dani is very enthusiastic about his movies and is a big fan. Naturally he wanted me to see this movie too. So today I took the time and could enjoy all by myself this wonderful and amazing movie.

To me, it's an animated movie about love and it is absolutely fantastic! It has been quite a while that a movie has fascinated me that much. There are so many surprises in it, it's a touching and moving story and it's even funny at times. In the beginning it reminded me of the tv series "Heidi" that I watched and loved as a child. But very fast I got used to the characters and the drawings and suddenly the magic of movie happened: I surrenderd and dived into this other magical world which always knows to fascinate me, to captivate, to entertain, to trigger emotions. The setting of the main character Sophie's hometown looks like Heidelberg I noticed... whereas other cities that appear in the movie seem to stem from the U.K. I liked the mix of old charme Europe, beautiful nature sceneries combined with fantasy flying machines and oldtimers, fantasy figures and "normal" characters.
Though the story itself is not by Miyazaki (but by Dianna Wynne Jones) he knew to make a really captivating movie. The characters I loved most were Calcifer, Howl's fire demon and the scarecrow which I think was cute. It was very interesting to see the story develop, to follow the girl Sophie and how - after having been cursed to be old and dull - she seems to surrender into her fate but then when love takes over she becomes young again towards the end of the movie. Of course there's lots to tell about the story, the characters and the movie. For example the music, it is wonderful and perfectly accompanies the pictures. I especially like the title song. I watched the movie in the japanese original with dutch subtitles.

I can only highly recommend to watch this movie as it is a gem of animated movies. Gladly, my lilbro has given me this DVD so I could enjoy it. It was a great introduction to Miyazaki's world and I now look forward to discover more of him. I am sure my lilbro is more than willing to introduce me to more of his brilliant work. ;-)

The Hector Dolphin

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What a great weekend.

Finally, even though it's already way toooo late at night, I manage to write a few words about some things that happened recently. So the few of you who follow my life are updated again. ;-)

On Friday, my little brother Dani and his boyfriend Sera arrived on the IB flight from Madrid. Of course I picked them up right at the gate (hmm... for some reason Dani "knew" I would do that...) and it just felt awesome to take my little brother into my arms and hug him! I could have done that for hours but there was also Sera waiting and it felt just as good to see him again too!

Jelle stayed at home as he was preparing the dinner for us. We have had fondue and of course we talked late into the night... Us four doña's had much to talk about after we had last seen each other in Berlin. ;-)

The next day after I overslept (shame on me) and got up half an hour later than we had planned and after having a nice breakfast we all took a leisurely stroll through the city where Dani bought flowers for his Sera , where we walked into a CD/DVD shop where Dani scandalously bought DVD's for me and Jelle under my eyes and I didn't even realize... (thank you so much, but you shouldn't have done that!!!), where I once again bumped into a flickr member who's one of my contacts and who I hadn't met before* and where later in the afternoon we met Timo for a coffee. We went back home just to change clothes to head right back into the city as we had tickets for a concert of Jelle's and my favorite singer Trijntje Oosterhuis who was performing a concert in Royal Theatre Carré. Dani and Sera like her music too and I think Trijntje had a flawless and immaculate performance, I was fascinated by her voice again, it was beautiful and I really enjoyed it. I hope Dani and Sera also liked it but I think they did. ;-) After the show we went to a restaurant on Rozengracht to have late night dinner and that was a real pleasant surprise! We all just loved the ambiance and the food and the whole concept! It was arabian themed, you lay down on lounge couches without chairs or tables. The staff was friendly and sat down to us and explained everything. There was enough time to eat in between courses and I really liked the possibility to simply lay there which felt so much more comfortable than sitting in a "normal" restaurant! Before the main course was served they even offered a massage but only Jelle took the opportunity and took a foot massage. After main course and dessert they even offered a water pipe that Jelle and Sera gladly tried out. Dani and I tried one "sip" but refrained from further smoking... The restaurant stays open until 03.00 in the night, so lots of time for us to enjoy and chill out. Dani and Sera insisted on inviting us to this great dinner and I must really thank them lots and lots for their generosity - guys, you really shouldn't have done that!!!

Unfortunately it rained when we left the restaurant but luckily the bus stop was not too far away and we did not have to wait too long for the night bus service back home. 

The next day, after a good night's sleep and a nice breakfast we again headed for the city where we wanted to meet Timo again for yet another coffee... ;-) We were a little late 'cause we took a little detour from central station while walking to Nieuwmarkt to meet Timo. But eventually we got there and Timo gave us a tour of the flea market that was helt there to show us some things he found interesting. After that we really had the coffee. ;-)

Then, unfortunately, it was already time to return home to get ready to go to the airport. I accompanied Dani and Sera to Frankfurt where they would board their flight to Madrid. Luckily I was able to check them in myself and assign some nice seats for their Frankfurt-Madrid-flight. The perks of working for an airline... ;-)

At Frankfurt I had to say goodbye to my dear friends, my beloved lilbro. After we shared a last coffee and had a frozen appel cake (tasted good, but was way too cold, almost frozen) we hugged and kissed each other goodbye. I was the most happy person on earth at that moment as I left them with the feeling of thankfulness, joy, love, pride, happiness. For a change I was not deeply sad when I left my beloved friends but truly happy. Because they made me feel so special, because they gave me lots and lots of the most precious a friend can give: their love! When we parted, Sera said he hoped we can make many more of these travels together hoping they will end not like in Berlin. It meant a lot for me that he said that to me! 

Obviously Dani and Sera had a good flight as Dani called right after they landed and told me. I was glad he called as it felt good to know he arrived safely and his mom had picked him and Sera up by car and they were heading to Sera's home now. A beautiful weekend had come to an end but to me, this all is simply the continuation of a miracle called "Our wonderful friendship".

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* Isn't it a coincidence? It's unbelievable that again I met a flickr contact by pure chance! I mean, consider the chance that you meet someone whom you only "know" by internet in a big city like Amsterdam - first I met encarneviva in Madrid and now it was Erik in Amsterdam (yes Jörg, the Erik...). Isn't it weird? ;-)

The look of joy.

On sunday, I received a CD from my little brother as a present (which, after having returned home I already listened to and as Dani expected I love it!). He gave it to me in Amsterdam at the airport before we left with the aircraft to Frankfurt. On board of my return flight to Amsterdam I opened it. I could not wait to get home and listen to the song. I had to read the lyrics right there. There I sat, a whole business class row for my own. I read the lyrics of the song he dedicated to me. It touched me deeply and made me proud and happy. It brought tears to my eyes. But not because I was sad but because I was so happy. Because it means so much to me what he said to me, besides all the other things he always does for his bigbro.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart Dani.