It's a strange feeling.

This is something new for me. 

Since a few months Jelle and I had decided to open our relationship. We both felt not happy and thought one of the things we can try to become happy again in our relation is to open it up. So we can both experiment and enjoy other sexual encounters. Not that this is the most important thing in a relationship, but it sure is part of it.

In all those months I only made use of my sexual freedom only once, more or less. There haven't been tons of mens hushing through my bed... I still wonder if that's something I miss? I never have been the 'one-night-stand' guy though I had them before but it never really fulfilled me or really deeply satisfied me. In my former relationship with Klaus it became one of the things that made me part from him, the fact that he who was older had much more sexual experiences than I had (but it wasn't the main reason). I felt and actually I still do feel very unexperienced. I caught up a little on my sexual experience after the relation with Klaus but it wasn't much that happened, especially compared to others. I do remember my friend Lutz who kept records of all the men he slept with (which I thought was so weird...) and while I was kind of disgusted I was at the same time fascinated. I am just as fascinated about someone I feel very close to who is about thirteen years younger yet it feels to me he is so much more experienced. Again, I do wonder if that is part of what I miss, what I look for, what I want? Should I really try to catch up with him, Lutz and others? Do I become happier then? Does it make me more satisfied, will I become more relaxed? I still wonder if it is possible to have a what someone called 'concubear' in a recent discussion I had with some people. Meaning to have a friend with whom you also can have intimacy besides your 'normal' relationship. While my lilbro thinks it's not possible, it's either a friend or sex partner but not both plus a relation, the others I discussed this with said they had such a thing and claimed it works. I still think about it a lot and really wonder if it can work, work for me? 

But what strikes me the most today is what happened yesterday: Jelle went to see the soccer match of the dutch team (they lost, by the way), together with Timo. I stayed at home, I am not into soccer though I had the tv on in the background to stay updated of how it would go. After the match finished I decided to watch Desperate Housewives. I found that our cable provider is offering the first season for free watching so I started from scratch and looked the first three episodes. When I finally went to bed, it was almost 03.00 am. But Jelle had not come home yet. I normally never go to bed when he hasn't come home, I'm always a bit worried. But I did yesterday, I actually expected him to come home soon and thought I would probably hear him. But it felt strange. I fell asleep immediately and when I woke up again it was 09.00 am this morning. I turned and noticed no one was in my bed next to me. That was strange! I got up and went looking in the living room, but no one there. Even more strange! Jelle regularly falls asleep in his chair in front of the tv but not this time, he didn't come home last night obviously. It felt weird and it's an experience I never had before, especially because he hadn't even informed me about it. So I checked my mobile and sure enough it wasn't connected to the network. After I fixed that I received an SMS - from Jelle from last night. He said that it had become late and he would sleep at Timo's! Again, I thought it strange as that's not typical for Jelle and second he could have taken a night bus to get home.

So, this is some new emotion for me, something I haven't experienced so far. I am not jealous but I still wonder what has happened last night. Well, maybe I am a bit jealous, yeah. But it feels really weird, it's now almost 12.30pm and I still haven't heard anything. I of course have been away several times now but then Jelle knew I would be away and with whom and for how long. He even knew there was no sexual thing happening. But so far I have never stayed away from home without telling beforehand. As I said, it feels very strange. I am curious to hear the story, what happened, what they did... So I guess that 'open relationship' thing is not that easy, not as simple as it seems, huh? Well, I keep on learning, keep on trying to be open. But still, it's a strange feeling.

P.S.: I wish I could speak to someone about it. But I can't. That's why I share it with you all. In moments like these I really feel lonely, even though I know you are out there. Then again, that helps. ;-)

*** Update ***

Now, at 15.00 I received an SMS that they just got up and slept until now... Wow, must have been something wild yesterday... haha - and Jelle has a terrible hangover he messaged...

*** Update 2 ***

It's now 21.11 and Jelle is still not home, nor have I heard anything from him. While this of course is not a problem in itself I do feel sad... I watched a movie that made me very sad (Mar Adentro) and I feel very lonely, abandoned. Maybe that's a lesson for me to learn. To pay more attention to Jelle's feelings too. I am very selfishly busy, thinking all of the time about me and how I want to change things in my life. I do not consider others around me. Obviously, that's something I must not forget. After all, I do care for him, my family but also my little brother, my friends. I wish I could hug someone now...

Oh well, I should not be too dramatic. I just watched the movie and I'm still emotionally touched but writing here now helps relief that emotional tension. It's getting better by every word... god, I guess I'm a real drama queen? ;-)