Again and again.

Happiness is a fragile state of mind. I think. I'd like it to be a very stable one but unfortunately for me it isn't. I sometimes think it's a daily struggle that I have to fight for to achieve it. And even more, to maintain a certain level. Somehow I did not realize it and more or less took it for granted. Either it comes my way or not. It's not something I cannot influence, I thought. 

But that's not the way it is. I can and I need to fight for it every day. I want to be happy, who doesn't anyway? But there's something in me that always tears me down, at least a little. And I am not really sure what it is - and why. Maybe my engrained insecurity? It often only needs a little word, or a gesture or lack thereof from outside to start that tear-down process in me. Can you imagine?

The process I am in at the moment of finding myself, building new friendships is a rather lengthy and tiring one. At times it feels like I am fighting a battle that I have already lost and I don't know why. It feels like I have a competitor who is superior to me in all aspects. And it makes me so sad to think that in the eyes of others I am not what I would have hoped for to be for them but the competitor is. The strange thing is that no one except myself starts those battles. As if I want to hurt myself to make me realize and confirm myself "see, it can't be true I am happy and lucky with what and whom I have". It's just so hard to constantly fight against this bad habit of mine. But I have to, I know that. In moments like these I long to see and speak my dearest friend who - that I know - can't solve the problem but at least can comfort me by empathy and wise words. Practically, that's not possible. Fighting the battle is something I have to do on my own. Again and again. Will it ever end?