Start the love, again.

Okay. This is something new to my blog. I removed a post from my blog for the first time as I mentioned in the previous post. Not because I needed to but because it wasn't really finished. I should have thought more and longer about things I wrote before publishing it. Now I think I did and I rewrote the post and published it again.

Let me first of all tell you that I feel excellent. Even better than yesterday that I posted it for the first time. The reason for me to post this is simple. I want to talk about something that's one of my characteristics. Arguably not my best, but it's part of me. It's about being insecure and fear.

You see, yesterday I mentioned my jealousy. Being jealous about someone. I focused that jealousy on one certain person. That was because I somehow concentrated all my insecureness and jealousy, my fears, everything that's bothering me into that one single person. Which of course is neither doing him justice nor is it what my feelings are all about. 

Superficially looking at it, sure there is my jealousy towards the other person. Suddenly I felt I have a "competitor" next to me, another "brother". I was jealously watching him. For what reason? Fear. Being insecure. I had never before felt such a deep and satisfying friendship to someone than I have with Dani. It means the world to me. So someone suddenly appearing next to me, being a bro' too felt like the ultimate thread to me, like loosing what I had looked for so long and finally found in Dani. Like Dani said, it felt like he's stealing Dani away from me. In the beginning, I did not understand the difference. I did not see there is no reason for it. I wasblinded by my own jealousy. The worst thing happened to me what jealousy always does, it makes you blind for the real important and beautiful thing there is in life: love. In the beginning I did not see all the love my little brother is constantly giving me. Meanwhile I know, I see it with my heart and eyes, I hear it with my ears and I can feel it with all my senses. 

But was that really all? Was it all about loosing my beloved lilbro? There is more to it of course. It is my general problem of being insecure, feeling that fear of loosing something I dearly treasure. I develop a similar, yet less intense jealousy, towards others too. I have a similar feeling of insecureness, of loosing a friend, of not being worthy someone's friendship with my other friends as well. The feeling of jealousy why I am not invited for something is also present. Or when I am excluded from a common activity with other friends that I thought I belong to as well. Of course it makes no sense. It doesn't mean anything at all. My friends have their own lives of which they sometimes let me be part of. But if not, it does not mean I'm not a friend anymore. I know that but still I developed these feelings that bothered me regularly. But my friendship to my other friends is different than my relation with my lilbro. So I develop a different kind of fear and jealousy but they all come from one source: the fear of loosing what I found and like. But I usually don't show or at least try to avoid showing it to my friends. Towards Dani I am open. I tell him everything. Towards the others I tend to be more closed. So I guess I focused all my fears in the end into one person. If it wouldn't have been him, it would have been someone else probably.

Don't get me wrong. I am not sitting in a dark corner of my home and pity myself all day long. It's kind of a numb feeling, something that's nagging on my mind in the background. Luckily I have spoken about it here and I also spoke about part of it to Dani. The combination of both helps me a lot. Especially the talk with Dani was amazing. Dani, it felt like you were taking a giant rock of me. You relieved me, just like that. By finding the right words. I feel extremely free. Yeah, that's a good expression, I feel free. There is no feeling of jealousy anymore. 

Now that I talked about it I feel more capable to reflect my own feelings. To realize where they come from and how I can avoid them. I know there is no reason for them. I should read back here if there is a next time...

 

What concerns this one person: I don't feel the urge anymore to follow him. To "compete" with him. I will most certainly come across him regularly and I don't even avoid him. But all that's triggered by jealousy is something I will leave behind now because I know better now. I can see again, with my heart. Making new friends is what matters to me. I don't really know whether that will ever happen between him and me. The important thing for me is to see again, with my heart. So for that reason I can now say to him: "Hi Finnegan, how are you? Care for a new friend?"

Starting the love, again. This time better, I think.