Life of a moth.

What can I say? Not much I guess. When being asked what I did this weekend I answered "the usual", meaning I worked and did nothing. 

I feel not bad, there's just that emptiness inside. There are some things that I really look forward to in the coming months. So, there are little highlights on the horizon. But on the short term? Even then: I look forward to Christmas, not the holiday but something that is more important to me than that but hopefully will take place around that time.

I'm the kinda guy that people like, it's nice to have me over for a coffee, or maybe have a dinner with but not the kind you would call. You just don't think of someone like me, I guess. Hey, it's nice if I call and ask you out, ask for a date to meet, yeah. But most would never think of calling me. Maybe I'm not entertaining enough, not funny enough, not intelligent enough to have a good talk. I don't know, it's a guess, a very wild one. I developped that theory from facebook. I noticed. I look at some people and they constantly are busy, get comments and have nice, sometimes even funny "chats" with their friends. I never belong there, for a multitude of reasons. I understand those reasons. Unfortunately for me, I seem unable to build this myself. I just can't and I don't know why?

I compare myself with a moth, circling around the light. The light is another friend. Lots of moths circle around that light. I'm just a moth, not the light where other moths circle around me. ;-) A funny picture maybe, but kind of true. On facebook I keep on commenting on other people's comments, status or whatever and if I'm "lucky" I do get a reply. It doesn't happen very often though that someone reacts on something I do. I regularly get those invitations for some kind of app, yeah sure. But frankly, many of the few friends I have do have much more friends and therefore get much more attention by more different people (I guess). I wonder if that's deep and satisfying but at least it's some kind of attention... I still refuse to believe in those mass friendships, I still try to build "real" friendships, if that's possible at all? Same on flickr, if I don't comment regularly on others' streams or post very "provocative" photos, very few really care it seems.  Though I feel it costs me way too much energy for little or nothing in return. I have no clue if I do something wrong or what I should do different - maybe there isn't anything I can do more or different, maybe that's just the way it is? Maybe I have to accept that people just like to have me in the background, not too overly present, as a kind of human decoration in their lives? 

I find it hard to "just" be the moth, I envy the "lights", the guys who have that natural popularity. I should be used to it by now, it was never different in my life. So, I should not complain, go back to my chat and wait another minute or three before it's this moth's turn again for an answer... Don't get me wrong, I do understand, I always have, always will, that's how I am.

That's - I guess - the life of a moth.

P.S.: my comments are made in general and don't have any reference to a particular person; it's meant as a general observation of how I feel and I really do not refer to  anybody in particular.