I feel relieved, but sad.

This morning, my dad went to the hospital. Not surprisingly, it was a planned since weeks. He has yearly check-ups since he had his heart surgery six years ago (where they gave him two by-passes). One of 'em was already blocked after one year and they now thought the second one might be blocked as well. During his mentioned last check-up they thought to have found some irregularity and to be on the safe side they sent him for closer inspection to the specialized heart clinic at the Cologne University Hospital. He was nervous about it since weeks, understandably. He was afraid of yet another operation. We were too. But luckily, today after making that special check-up by inserting a katheter into his leg with which they can look into his heart and bypass(es) they now concluded it's not that bad at all! I am so happy! His problem can be treated with some medicine. It's such a relief that he won't undergo yet another operation. He told me that my mom was very nervous too. He watched her walking up and down the hallway waiting on him. My mom is 70 years now and my parents are married since 47 years. It's amazing. My mother is always very caring about my dad and everyone else. 

When I called this evening to hear how everything went my father sounded tired. At first, I thought he is worried but I simply think he was tired. I repeatedly asked and he assured me that he is relieved too, now that he can treat this with some medicine. 

He also told me that when the doctor had told him the good news that the doctor was surprised about his reaction. "I was expecting you to jump out of your bed and hug me or something like that but instead you look as if I announced you are going dead tomorrow!". My father replied that he was so nervous about this check that he obviously needs some time to process the good news. 

Later, when he was ready to get dressed again and go home he suddenly turns to the nurse and tells her he's feeling nauseous and cold sweat. Very soon two doctors appear, they make tests and come to the conclusion it's obviously his way to relief the stress. He finally can go home. Luckily. Why I am telling this? Because I think this is something I inherited from my dad. When I went to get new glasses (the ones I now have) the optician made his usual tests. Though he found a high eye pressure on one eye. The way he sad it made me feel very uncomfortable. I did not know what to do with this information. But he kept on doing his test and took me to a small, dark room where he had that machine to measure what glasses you will need. But suddenly, I jumped out and into the (luckily) empty shop, where an astonished Jelle watched me puzzled: I could not do anything other than lye down on the ground in the middle of the shop. Much to the surprise of all employees of course. I felt cold sweat and tickle in my fingers. I calmed down for a while but the same feeling came back so down I went again. Of course the optician was anxious to call an ambulance but I assured him I would feel better if I would just go have something to eat. So we left and had a bread roll as I hadn't had breakfast that morning. I calmed down again. So we returned to the optician. And you guessed it, again it came back and I went down again... Now, they really called the ambulance and while lying on the ground, in the middle of the shop I actually felt comfortable... but very embarrassed that they were calling an ambulance. They arrived very quickly, were very friendly and did some tests and the only thing they could find: slightly high blood pressure. And my conclusion: relief of my stress. It obviously freaked me out when he mentioned the eye pressure as I did not know what that meant. I acted exactly the same as my father has done today and several times before. They never can find anything. So I guess that's something I inherited. 

Then I asked for my mother to speak to her and hear how she felt. She was, let's say, polite. But not cheerful or happy to hear me. I could feel something is bothering her. She asked if I had some news but I said I don't. I don't want to bother them at the moment with my problems. Especially when I might be able to solve them. They already worry about so many things in their life, I as the only child don't want to make them worry about me too. I then asked her if everything was alright with them and she said yes. Still, I know there's something. I cannot stand her reaction. She does this so often, being restrained, almost cold. I know she dearly loves me though she seldom has ever told me. It's difficult for her as well as for my father to say this to me. I know it by all they do for me. But still, hearing it once means so much more than everything else. But that's unfortunately the way they are. I do love them. I tell them. I cannot imagine how my little life will be without them. 

Most probably I am not the best child parents can dream of. I am gay, something most parents would rather not want for their children. I haven't studied at a university, I don't even have a proper industrial training or professional education. Nothing they can be proud of and show off with. Even though I was lucky enough to ultimately find a job with a respectable employer. I am happy with the way I am and what became of me, I already said that in another post. But I am pretty sure they had hoped for something else for their only son. I have my "bad sides" as well, I don't call regularly, neither do I visit them too often, I forget their name day (a catholic thing, my name day for instance is on 31 March) regularly and I even sometimes don't know what gift to buy for them and then forget. But still, they are in my heart, I think of them, I love them. But I sometimes feel they measure my love by my actions and attendance. It's making me sad that my mom does so strange sometimes. I am obviously doing something that she doesn't like or maybe the other way around, I do not do anything that she would expect me to do. 

I am now a 41 year old man and I do listen to my mom and my dad what they have to say to me. But I only do what I think I need to do and not what they want me to. That might be a problem for my mother to accept sometimes but I am not accepting her "orders" anymore. 

Talking with Jelle about this he also says it's something he can't understand of her. With her reaction towards me she achieves the exact opposite of what she'd probably like to have, to have more contact. But if I feel she is so restrained I don't feel much desire to call or visit. It's kind of a vicious circle I gues... Oh well, I should make more efforts, I know. I will try to. But sometimes I act like the little child I once was, stubborn and waiting for them to make the first move...