Cornerstones

I few words about me. It's been a while I think that I wrote about myself and my feelings. As far as I see it I am "improving" on my "mental stability". That's a good thing. About two months ago I read a blog post that made me think about my own postings. Very recently I read another post on the same blog and both posts for me are somehow connected as they are both about a person's feelings and emotions and the way (or not) to write about them.

Sometimes I have something on my mind. I want to talk about it but can't because there is nobody to talk to. Sure, we all chat a lot all day long, about God and the world and all the non important, meaningless things that surround us. I have a few people I more or less chat with on a regular basis. Usually, those chats always stay on the surface, they seldom manage to get deeper. That's the nature of a chat I guess, quick and short talks on the one hand, the restriction of it to often taking place at work is another one I assume. At least that's my experience. But back to what I wanted to say. So if I want to express something to somebody who's not there, I can turn to my blog. Write - like now - about my thoughts. When I write here I realize that I indirectly speak to those very few readers I have. Sometimes -I admit - I intend to do that in order to receive a reaction, sometimes I don't and just want to share my thoughts. Usually, the urge for me to write something about my emotions arises when I lack the possibility to speak about them. But what triggers certain emotions, you might wonder? Well, I don't exactly know for sure myself. 

Let me take a look at myself where I see the "problem" for the most part. I am still a very insecure person, even though that might not occur to the occasional reader. I have very few friends and therefore social contacts. I am still in the process of building up a new social network for me. So if one element in my existing network "fails" for whatever reason I only have a small back-up option. The "problem" with friends of course is that they are not made for my personal well being and entertainment. They have a live of their own. But they are the cornerstones on which I build my network. I rely on them, on some more than on others. That's probably the reason why I tend to be very possessive and claiming, trying to ensure the all-time availability of my friends, especially my favorite ones. Now that's where I wonder if that is repelling them from me; the more I claim, the more they get repelling - could that be? That seems logical. If I give any of my friends that feeling, putting that burden on them, I truly regret that. It's not my intention. 

Hack, I regularly have things to tell, personal things. I try to do things to make my life better and I want to tell you about it. Because you are part of my very personal life. And I want to know the personal stuff from you too, because I am part of your personal life. That's what a blog and a chat is not about but a friendship. There are things that you preferably share with your best friend(s) and not your hubby. That's why we need to call and see each other often. Some things deserve privacy. Even if those things are not moving the world, yet they mean something to us and I think we should share them. Personal interaction, be it virtual via a (skype) call or even better with a cup of coffee around the corner is the best method to build and deepen that friendship. I always hope you will feel the same. Thinking about it, that's definitely not claiming, is it?... 

Anyway, I have tried to explain a little what moves me lately. I know it is kind of weird and I am not a good writer, especially when it comes to expressing my emotions. But I feel I need to share this with you, try to explain and make you understand why I am the way I am or why I do or don't do certain things. On the other hand I hope you will guide me in finding the right balance in interacting with you, to be part of your lives and yet don't feel excluded. I still need that help from you all. 

A big hug to my wonderful friends, new ones and the ones I found back, the cornerstones of my social network.