Thoughts.

No, nothing happened. But every now and then I fight with some feelings that are bothering me. I have to write a few words about it to get rid off it - well, I wish that would work like that... ;-) What I will write about does refer to my friends in general and is not referring to a specific friend. 

A great exception though is Dani who is always there for me (be it by phone or chat or email or even in person or by his thoughts and even though he doubts that himself!). Also Franc is calling me and chatting to me more or less regularly and Katja who calls and visits a few times per year. I'm not being polite here, that's the way it is and how I feel about you. So guys if you read the following, it's not about you. ;-)

While I try since months to build up new and rebuild old friendships, find new friends, become more social I sometimes feel I make no efforts at all. You see, I sometimes call people (the least of my means of communication that I use I must admit), I more often send SMS, I once in a while send emails and I'm available for chat many hours of the day, more or less. But often enough, nothing happens. Of course I do know and understand people live their own lives and I know often enough the reason why people are so busy with their lives (e.g. new found loves)... but still, that does not prevent me from having that lonely feeling that I wanted to get rid off. So, sometimes I feel a bit sad that there are ten people present in the chat program and not a single one is interested in chatting to me. Of course I can pick any of them and initiate it myself, but friendship to me is a two way thing, isn't it? I'd sometimes love to be surprised by a warm email, a nice chat or SMS or even a call. To get the feeling one of my friends thinks of me... Jelle just said to me, maybe it's now paying back to me what I did to my friends years ago... well, maybe... but I don't really believe that. I know, I am impatient. This all takes time (a long time actually) but sometimes I'm really frustrated by things around me and then speaking to a friend could make all the difference. Jelle also mentioned to me that the fact that many of my new found friendships are "only" virtual make it maybe less serious friendships but I don't agree with that. Of course you can have superficial virtual friendships but I consider the "real" virtual friendships that I found good and serious ones. Nevertheless I try to make those virtual friendships "real" friendships by trying to meet the (usually) men and get to know them personally. The best of all friendships to me then develops when I speak, chat, listen, call, SMS, visit, see the one as much and regularly as possible - that luckily happened with Dani. Naturally, it's a logistical problem in real life to meet regularly if you do not live in the same city, I understand that. Finding more friends in my own city therefore would be an advantage but I haven't figured out yet how I want to do that. 

Don't get me wrong - I am happy with the friends I found. I just miss your contact, I guess I'm in need of a lot of attention and unfortunately I cannot get it as much as I want to. I do enjoy regular chats with some of you, like Russell and Alejandro. It's really a pleasure to turn to you and speak. But that doesn't replace "real" friendships and that's what I miss. For example, for me it's important to have something to look forward to in my life. Some event to live up to, well, look forward to. Like going to meet someone, going on a vacation, meet with a friend, go watch a movie, have a coffee, eat dinner... to be honest, there is nothing at the moment or in the near future that I can look forward to. Sure, there is a training in November that I have to follow for two weeks in Zurich. But to be honest I am a bit "scared" about the thought, being away from home, the possibility to contact someone by computer, being on my own, knowing nobody, being cut off from MY world. I'm not too shy to speak to the colleagues there but I know I will feel lonely and that's certainly not an idea I am looking forward to. Of course there is the plan to make a day trip with Franc some time soon or go to see a movie with him, but nothing fixed yet. All these things (and probably a few more) add to my overall feeling and I hope that explains a little why I sometimes can feel really down. 

I am glad I wrote a few words about this. Honestly, I feel better. But most of all it helped speaking to a friend. Thanks lilbro for lending me your ear once again. 

Lots of hugs and kisses to you all.

P.S.: Dani, you know why I exempt you from the above? It's very simple. Don't forget that we are in contact very very often. You always try to say at least a few words to me as you often know how important it is for me. You often respond to emails I sent you. You do that despite the fact that you are very busy these days and don't get treated well either but still you manage to think of me and show your support to me. So for that reason don't worry if you not always answer every SMS or email - the things you do are so much that they easily compensate for what you think you lack to do (which you don't). I do feel guilty that you probably feel a certain pressure from me, that I make your life just a little more complicated than it could be. But maybe it becomes a little easier when I tell you that it's sometimes that simple smiley from you that makes all the difference for me, the "virtual" kisses you send or the hugs you give or that friendly, cheerful comment you make or just that smile and your laugh I can hear through the telephone that make me smile too, cheer me up, make my day! 

I honestly appreciate all you do, as you said yourself, that's what friends are for and I am most fortunate that fate brought us together.

Needless to say, I try to be just that for you too. Maybe that's the reason why I call you more often than you would normally expect. I am probably just trying to compensate for lack of other (direct) communication. After all, I am interested in your life as well and I want to hear what happens to you too. I know there is a difference of some kilometers between us and somehow I strive to bridge that distance. So bear with your bigbro ;-) 

P.P.S.: it really felt good to hear Sera's voice, I was very happy to hear him say "Hi" in the background! Please tell him he always has a very positive effect on my mood too!

P.P.P.S.: Damn mobile phones! :-)